the underwater meerkat

Dear all, hello I hope you are all well, I am fine and have not got the shits yet. I have had a very exciting week or so I will tell you all about it now, while I am here. Work is continuing to be a little odd. I found out that the transvestite is called Melvin (no, really). for about three days I had the best illness of all time - sneezing fits. I honestly didn’t want them to end. but they did. the other day we did an outside broadcast to promote a new show which began an hour and a half late (what an advert). As far as I can tell it was an exact replica of every other show they have here, one where nubile young things sing and dance and wear matching costumes. this one goes out on Saturday though. I made another appearance on camera during the station manager’s introduction. they cut to me and I saw myself on the big screen nodding sagely so I started to laugh. I didn’t understand what he was saying but am assured it wasnt meant to be funny. I was also on tv the other day in an advert for some botox clinic or something. I walked into reception, sat down and read hello magazine (or the honduran equivalent). soon I think I will be very famous indeed. anyway. on thursday I left to go to utila, a carribean island nearby. there I met with all the people who were looking after the turtles eggs which must be pretty easy as they didnt seem to do it much while I was there. it took ages to get there, the bus broke down on the stroke of midday in a place that resembled a desert. I dont know what was wrong but they changed a tire and left. I’m sure the problem had nothing to do with a tire, I sounded like the engine had fallen out. so I got to utila and proceeded to get really drunk. theres not much to do there but drink and dive so that’s pretty much all I did infact the days kind of merged into one so in no particular order heres what I can remember. the best thing that happened was that I vomited underwater. it was really cool, I totally reccomend it. I was getting all seasick between dives and they forced me to swim round the boat 4 times, so by the time id finished (last) I had drunk roughly half the carribbean and was feeling a little worse for wear. I think it is definitely the coolest thing I have ever done and everyone was telling me how much they wanted to be me because of it. I am also now red all over. this is because I have been bitten beyond belief (I look like I have chickenpox) am sunburnt in the most random places (one knee, for instance) and have loads of cuts all over me. this is because one night after drinking a little too much we had a massive water fight and made a speed slide runway thing down the corridor which I had two catastrophic slides down ending up arse over tit and crashing into various things (doorways, tables, myself etc) so that I had cuts all over (the best of which being one that resembled a bullet hole on my spine. I dont know how but I was the only person who drew blood once, let alone 7 times. anyway because the water was dirty I ended up face down on a table covered in iodene which was quite easily the most painful thing in the world at the time. I dont reccomend it. everyone told me after though that they thought I was really cool and that they wanted to be me. to be honest I really didnt treat myself too well while I was there. I hardly slept or drank enough water and we also managed to lock ourselves out of our room twice in 5 nights. I lost the key one night at 3 am in the sea and then shut the door with the key still inside though I still deny this was my fault as I renounced responsibility for any key after the previous incident. all this stupid behaviour culminated in the final night when I got seasick again, this time in bed( due to a number of factors such as water in the ears, alcohol, having spent more time on a boat than in bed during my stay, and the fact that the compulsory bedroom fan made exactly the same noise as the boats motor and created the same air as an offshore breeze). subsequently I woke up EVERY 5 MINUTES thinking I was on a boat and having to stagger towards the bathroom, being careful not to fall in, and vomit. by the end of the night I could hardly see, but the water I was throwing up by this point (it was all I had inside me because I was dehydrated so kept knocking back the stuff) became thicker and luminous yellow. it was quite easily the worst night of my life and I had to catch the ferry home at 6 am and hitch all the way home (14hrs, 7 vehicles) still on a boat (metaphorically) and with slight symptoms of the bends because I forgot to breathe underwater while posing for a camera. honestly, my arms felt like they were going to fall off all day and I couldnt feel my fingertips. needless to say everyone thought I was really cool and told me how much they wished they were me ( one person even tried to buy being me for the day but couldnt afford the tax). but im alright now. phew! I was actually quite good at diving which was really surprising as I think its practically a sport. I even perfected the underwater meerkat which was no mean feat I can assure you. I think I also got bitten by a luminous green spider which I then added to my list of fatalities but I dont think im going to die as it was a few hours ago although the marks still there. I have forgotten most of the stuff I was going to write but am glad I got the bit about the underwater vomit in, it was unforgetable, brilliant, really.
anyway, thatll do for now,
im far too dizzy to continue writing
seahorses,

el sprengiko x

A FUNNY TRUE STORY

...but only if you know these two...

TOM HOOKER AND DAN SULLY WALK INTO AN ART EXHIBIT IN
THE TATE MODERN. THERE ARE TWO VENDING MACHINES IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. ONE OF THE VENDING MACHINES HAS A
FLICKERING LIGHT.

TOM SAYS TO DAN: "OH LOOK, ONE OF THE LIGHTS IS
BROKEN. THEY SHOULD FIX THAT."

DAN LOOKS AT TOM WITH A CONTEMPTUOUS EXSPRESSION AND
SAYS "TOM! DONT BE SO STUPID! ITS MEANT TO BE
FLICKERING. THIS IS ART. EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM IS
CAREFULLY PLANNED, RIGHT DOWN TO THE PATTERN OF DIRT
ON THE FLOOR. ITS ALL THE ARTIST'S CHOICE. EVERY
SINGLE DETAIL IN THIS ROOM IS INTENTIONAL."

WITH TOM CORRECTED, THE TWO STAND THERE, ADMIRING THE
ARTISTRY OF THE PIECE.

JUST THEN, A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE ROOM WITH A
SCREWDRIVER TO FIX THE LIGHT.

Checque Lecque

dear all,
I thought I had sent this email the other day but I dont think I did so I will try to remember what I said. it went something like this:
dear all, (a suitable start)
hope you are well, I am fine and have not got the shits yet. honduras is a really cool place, tegucigalpa (the capital where I am stationed) is a sort of tropical paradise (if your idea of paradise is heavy gun ownership, fast food and smog) but its okay and no worse than any other city really, however, the weekends are the time to get out , last weekend I went to a lake and a waterfall which made me very wet. for my first week here we had spanish lessons, I was put in the clever group with a bunch of people who were fluent (including some who im sure could only speak spanish) I had no idea what was going on and spent much of the week in a state of confusion. actually I am confused all the time but I figure it spices up the day a little. the other volunteers here are all very nice, but last week most of them left for the bay islands to look after turtles eggs, so I am going out there next week to dive and get drunk. I started work for channel 13 (bodes well) on monday. television doesnt work here like it does in england (it barely works at all) and I find it all quite comical. its almost, but not quite, exactly like the sketch on the fast show, but it makes far less sense. one of my favourite shows is hosted by a colombian man with fake hair and tan, two clowns and a transvestite. its meant to be funny but I dont know why, I just laugh because its rubbish. however the other day I got a free doughnut from them.
I work on two shows at the moment, the honduran equivalent of match of the day and top gear. today I was meant to go and test drive some fast cars but no one came to pick me up which was sad. the sports programme is ridiculous, they came back from an advert break the other day with one of the hosts still on his mobile phone. and the next day we went to watch the national team train, a half hour car ride away, with only 5 minutes of battery power! I vision mix the programme which is hilarious as I have no idea whats going on. I kind of guess and wait until im shouted at, but like I said it spices up the day a little. I was also given a nickname about thirty seconds in to my first day; cepellin. who, as far as I can tell is a skinny, dead, mexican clown. It could be worse, other nicknames translate to puppy, big head, hamburger (a fat guy) and black seal. I ahev also started a fact of the day club, so if anyone has some good facts (think 6ft penguins and moths that fly to the moon) then please send me them so I can look clever in front of my new replacement friends.
I have also had a headache for about 4 days now, which is a pain but then I didnt bring any paracetamol so its my own fault. actually at the tv station I am their bitch as they make me dance and say stupid things and then give me sweets. I feel like a porpoise. my house is nice, I have a power shower (hot) and a maid who heats up my dinner in the microwave. so far I have killed 4 cockroaches (one was a baby but I figured it would grow big and seek revenge so I took no mercy), a spider (who later turned out to be innocent), and I also brutally murdered a massive ant while cutting my toenails. I cut it up into little pieces. I dont know what’s wrong with me, I think it might be the malaria tablets which are, I am told, the wrong ones that make you schizophrenic and make your hair fall out. Incedentally I have not seen a single mosquito yet, despite having more bites than an Imac, perhaps I am looking in the wrong places. anyway, thats all for now let me know whats going on in england and ill give you a prize im sure ive forgotten lots but nevermind.
buenas


rico x

Bug

This is a bug of the Honduran variety.