the inca trial

Dear all,
hope you are well, I am a little snotty.
so then I went to peru, which was basically a big dirty dustbin of a country. I dint like peru. it started badly when I was screwed at the border (i noticed the dodgy exchange rate and the trick calculator, but not the monopoly money I was being given) however I had fun trying to spend it and only have one note left, which I accidentally ripped and now looks as valuable as a plankton. my first night I stayed in a hotel run by a quadroplegic (no pun intended) which was the most vile place I have ever seen. I later vowed only to stay in hotels run by people who could a) physically make a bed, and b) when being paid, not ask for the money to be ‘put in my foot’. he was, however, a very nice man, who I enjoyed saying goodbye to immensely. then I went down the coast and discovered an oasis (not in the columbus sense, but that it want in the lonley planet. in fact the lonley planet has been largely a thorn in my ide since being here. I think it is either an imaginative work of ficton, or simply doesnt travel well. it keeps telling me to go to marrakesh...) the oasis was nice. I went sandboarding, which I was actually not awful at (pretty surprising when you consider my only previous boarding success came whilst ironing a tea towel). it was good fun, despite my spending most of my time covered in sand, panting like an underwear salesman, climbiong dunes and wishing I had a camel. then I went to cusco which was very pleasant, and walked the inca trail to machu picchu. it has lots of altitude and was probably the highest place I have been to since amsterdam. it also has mist. and rain. before I went on the hike, I bought myself some new stuff- a pair of socks (one pair really isnt enough), a secondhand pair of walking boots (which I later discovered look like they are designed for people who are unable to walk), and the most horrible wooly jumper I could find (really really nasty). my group was made up of me and a bunch of argentines, who made me feel very at home by only speaking in spanish. fast. the only english conversation I managed to get out of them in almost a week was about bohemian rhapsody and their economy (wheres the link?) the trail itself was hard work, but I was easily the fittest in my group´(which I only brag about because I excercise about as often as I ovulate.) on the last morning we got up really early and I had to pack my things in the dark. a porter offered me his candle, but I declined (i dont think they like tents too much) so he stood outside with it for me. back in cusco I went on a city tour (with a guide who comically pronounced the word ‘that’ ‘death’. brilliant.) not a race to miss a good marketing opportunity, they managed to spoil the otherwise beautiful cathedral by inserting a woman in the middle noisily selling machu picchu cd roms. I also went to a club and had my first beer of the year(!) and my first beer of the year thrown down my back (by a local girl who I accidentally threw my ugly jumper at) ha. luckily the next day I left peru (Phew) and am now in bolivia which is much nicer. I am by lake titicaca, in a town called copacabana (nothing like barry manilow told me) and tomorrow there is a festival, so I am going to do the only decent thing and stay in bed. have to go eat some trout.
amor y un tenedor,

el sprengiko x

blue-footed boobies

dear all,
hope you are well, I am minty.
the new year began well for me with a trip to the GALAPAGOS. though it is the most expensive thing I have ever done (neglecting to put oil in my car comes a close second) my small plastic friend offered to pay for it, which I think means I get it for free. after more farcical fun at the airport (something to do with my ticket having the wrong time and flight on it) I eventually set off, though not before the man who checked my bags in had given me his work and home phone number.
the GALAPAGOS was amazing. highlight of my trip. I took lots of photos. our guide was also brilliant. he was this old man who kept pointing out the excrement of each species (´do-do´) and talking to people only in languages they didnt understand (I got spanish). I also took the opportunity to laugh in an incredibly mature way every time he said the word booby, which he said quite often- not because he was a pervert (although his catchphrase was ´dont touch the animals, only the guide´) but because a booby is a bird there. it has blue feet. (the booby, not the guide- incidentally his feet were brown and kind of wrinkly)
anyway. I saw lots of cool animals, and swam with sharks, which the guide described as ´vegitarian´ (like its an ethical decision theyve made). I also swam in water which had hammerheads in, which, to the best of my knowledge, are about as ethical as genocide.
On the last day on my first boat (some cock up) an american on the boat who thought I was australian and looked like michael j fox (do they try to be stupid?) made balloon animals for everyone. among his creations were a turtle, a machine gun (for an israeli) and a stethoscope (a stethoscope?) he even brought a pump. I got a fox.
before I moved onto the second boat of my trip (cock up) the driver of the first boat invited me to stay at his house for an extra week. I gracefully legged it.
the second boat was me, and a group of dutch old lady lesbians.
after the GALAPAGOS I went south in ecuador to baños (baths) where they have baths. on the bus an old lady sat next to me and yabbered something about evangelism I think, before handing me a piece of paper. I wrote my name on it and she seemed very pleased.
so the next day I got up ridiculously early (I know, unbelievable) and stumbled around my dormitory in the dark for about twenty minutes getting ready to go to the baths. I eventually headed out of my room to the front door only to discover that I had forgotten to put my contact lenses in. cue another ten minutes of fumbling, after which I headed back out of the dorm, to the front door. which was locked.
I went back to bed and vowed never to get up early again, unless my house was on fire.
when I eventually made it to the hot baths, I sat there for a few hours doing nothing and watching old ecuadorians swim (dignified drowning) before an old lady burped at me and I decided to get out. then I had a little sleep. then I went to some other hot baths where I did much the same thing, only no one burped at me. but there was some parsley in the hot bath which had much the same effect. then I had another little sleep.
Yeah, that was a good day.
I have also spent time looking at waterfalls, being sung at repeatedly by 8 year old schoolgirls, and riding on the roof of a train and almost falling off.
if you think its all fun and games think again though, my neck is a little sore at the moment and I slept very badly last night. but today is another day and I have a double bed and hot water.
yes.
besos y bistek,
sprengiko!

old panamanian people

dear all
happy new year.
I hope you are well, I am fruity.
so, costa rica was nice but the weather was foul, basically costa rica is a friendly version of north wales. with rainbows. one rainbow I saw went across the path in front of me (I looked for the pot of gold but all I found was a few pebbles and some horse shit). I did a canopy tour (rainforests and ziplines) which was amazing, though I managed to do it wrong pretty much all the time and ended up flying through thick fog backwards and practically upside down until I could see nothing. except a rainbow. apparently its quite dangerous and practically impossible but I think my body is oddly balanced.
we also went to see an active volcano with lava flows but when we arrived at the observation tower all we could see was a bit of a hill and more fog. so we went out and got drunk instead.
oh, I also earnt myself the affectionate nickname rohypnal rico after a fat costa rican man called cesar tried to date rape me. I seriously have had more potential gay activity than the lord of the rings (which, by the way, I saw the other day and have subsequently invented a drinking game based on all the innuendo, titled rubinstein roulette after saint neil, patron saint of homosexuality)
anyway.
after costa rica I went to bocas del toro in panama for christmas, and saw a man with a pet aeroplane (seriously, it had flashing lights, a lead, and didnt answer to the name spot) walking down the street.
I also went out while drunk and bought myself a few christmas treats at the market (which upon sober reflection either didnt work, didnt fit, or didnt make sense) and spent most of boxing day trying to take stuff back. I also bought some bad christmas presents (spiderman figure and god bless america headband) and received a hammock chair, which I now have to carry around and keep bumping into things (lamp posts, street stalls, old men etc) and some pink play dough, which tastes exactly as I remember.
christmas day I spent sweating in a phone box, eating christmas dinner of fishburger, sleeping, and generally trying to look inconspicuous. which I failed to do thanks to a combination of being a) drunk and b) rico sprengiko.
oh, the little old lady who ran our hotel insisted on doing everyday household tasks (such as putting up curtains and restacking the fridge) completely topless, which was heavily traumatising. she also kept asking me for money, though I think for unrelated reasons.
upon arriving in panama city for new years we got into a cab driven by an old man who we figured wouldnt rip us off. he then drove slowly and badly in the wrong direction for about an hour, asked an old woman for directions (who offered to show the way, took us to the wrong place, got us lost, and walked off to try and call the hostel for us) whereupon the old man drove off. eventually we arrived at the hostel, more by luck than judgement, and he muttered something about female genitalia before driving off. slowly. he also ripped us off.
the next day we caught another cab which also didnt know where he was going, and made every effort to drive in the opposite direction to any landmarks we suggested. we gave up on him and got out on a main road in the middle of nowhere. great.
so new years was fun, I went on the roof of our high rise building to watch fireworks (or at least listen to some banging) and then went to a club with some dutch people. who were, well, dutch. (one was called dirk).
right thats about all for now, I fly to ecuador tomorrow so had better go and practice flapping.
telo advierto, de ha de hoder, rico