QQQ - Smoking

Hi Everyone,

Please could I remind staff smokers that they are to carry out their filthy, anti-social and death-inducing addiction outside the fire exit, where the smoking bin is located. There is an ever growing number of cigarette butts outside the reception door, and I have noticed (on more than one occasion) that reception itself can be somewhat reminiscent of a chimney from time to time.

If staff could also politely make their guests aware that there is a designated smoking area to the side of the building, this would greatly help the cause.

Other benefits include enabling clients to locate the front door without being hindered by people and fog.

I can no longer take the motherly responsibility to remind you of this so please do take note. Except in the case of Gavin Rigby, for whom I accept total parental liability.

Thanks, El Sprengiko

a tale of two turntables

Once upon a time there was a basement, and in that basement (among other things less relevant to this story) there was a kitchen. In that kitchen there was a microwave, and in that microwave there was a turntable. The turntable was a good turntable. It turned and turned and turned until the food was cooked, and it didn't even complain when everyone ignored it, and no-one exept Mavis cleaned it. Then one day it disappeared. Perhaps it was tired of being thanklessly used and abused. It went. Gone. Suddenly a funny thing happened. People started to notice it. "Where's my turntable?" they all cried, "I miss my beautiful turntable, my food simply won't cook without it!" But it was too late, the turntable was gone forever. Now turntables being the rare utensils they are, some weeks passed, when suddenly through the letterbox came a box. In that box was some bubblewrap, and in that bubblewrap was... a NEW TURNTABLE! "What a lovely building", the turntable thought. "and what a lovely basement, what a lovely kitchen, what a lovely microwave, I think I'll be happy and snug in here..."
And so it was, the new turntable made everyone happy for almost twelve minutes. Everyone was so grateful that they had been given a second chance that they cared for and loved the turntable, through good times and bad- spillages, minor explosions and intensely heated food too. One person cried "I promise to clean your sleek porcelain surface should I ever spill my carbonara sauce on you", while another even declared "oh, turntable, if I ever break you again, I promise I'll tell Richard straight away!"
And everyone lived happily ever after. Including the turntable.

BREAKING NEWS: London 'Almost Finished'

Hello all,

As you know, I pride myself on keeping abreast of a number of 'situations' that develop in and around our working environment.

Thus, a 'situation' has indeed developed, the details of which I will pass on to you now.

It appears that the Marylebone Road (between Edgware Rd and Baker St) is due another makeover, this time of a 'High Friction' nature.

The road will be closed overnight (2030hrs - 0600hrs inclusive) between Tues 29th March and Fri 8th April, though the works may go on until Fri 15th April should the weather be unsatisfactory. A diversionary route will be in place during these hours, though normal service will resume in the daytime.

On the plus side, I have it on good authority that this is the proverbial icing on the cake, and that once completed the city of London will be 'finished'.

Thanks,

El Sprengiko.

Newspaper extract

You've got to love the metro, the REAL news alternative. So good you have to see it twice.

camden crawl

Mike Wood and I went to the Camden Crawl last night. It was really good. The night went something like this...

18.25 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive in Mornington Crescent.
18.46 - Mike and Sprengiko finally figure out how to get hold of wristband (necessity).
18.53 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive at Barfly to see 'The Others'. Sprengiko can not count change from alcoholic beverages supplied.
19.07 - 'The Others' begin their set. They are good fun. Crowd surfers are a bit silly, culminating in roughly thirty people crashing onto stage for final number. A great deal of sweat is exfoliated by all.
19.51 - Mike and Sprengiko walk halfway across London to see 'Towers of London', who are basically a Motley Crue tribute band who look like the Ramones. They do a number of daring things, including throwing cigarettes at the audience, throwing beer at the audience, and spitting at the audience. The audience throw and spit back. They also take the opportunity to perform highly cliched rock manoeuvres such as standing in a line in front of the drum kit. Despite this they are not actually appalling (in a Spinal Tap kind of way).
20.02 - Mike notices that the tall guy obscuring our view is Simon Price. (Sprengiko is impressed for the following reasons: 1. Sprengiko has never heard of Simon Price. 2. Simon Price is apparently a print journalist, and thus does not have a recognisable face. 3. Mike can only see the back of his head anyway). Sprengiko confirms that it is indeed Simon Price, by shouting his name and looking in the opposite direction. Simon Price turns around.
20.42 - Mike and Sprengiko get bored at gig, decide to go and see 'Maximo Park'. After arriving to hear the final three chords of the only song of theirs that is any good, we spend twelve minutes listening to songs that are not good.
20.54 - Mike and Sprengiko go to see 'The Glitterati' and have to queue!!! Mike says he has heard one of their songs. The lead singer may or may not be related to Rod Stewart (or Ronnie Wood). They are actually very good. Mike has never heard any of their songs.
22.00 - Mike and Sprengiko head off to see the special surprise guests. It turns out they are The Buzzcocks. Mike and Sprengiko decide to go and see 'Goldie Looking Chain' instead. On leaving we shout out to the assembled masses humourous things such as "I can't believe Steps are playing". No-one is amused, one person is positively excited.
22.16 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive to see 'Goldie Looking Chain'. They are awful. Mike and Sprengiko leave to see an acoustic set by 'Hope of the States'
22.29 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive at 'Hope of the States'. Whilst queueing we encounter someone who is trying to queue-jump. He looks like he is in a band (stock band haircut, girlfriend much prettier than him) Sprengiko suggests he is in Razorlight. Whole queue subsequently takes the piss out of him. Man leaves in huff. Other man comes out of venue shouting "is Andy from Razorlight here?" Andy from Razorlight disappears around corner, followed by better looking girlfriend.
22.32 - Mike and Sprengiko have photo taken for Japanese magazine. We tell photographer we are in a "really good band". Photographer laughs.
22.35 - Mike and Sprengiko get in to venue. Sprengiko shouts out "Razorlight" and then talks to some randoms whilst the guitarist strums the first few chords of Golden Touch. Sprengiko does not notice. Mike looks knowledgable.
23.02 - Mike and Sprengiko go somewhere else. Sprengiko's memory haemmorages.
02.32 - Mike and Sprengiko are stood with two guys from Torquay at Euston. Sprengiko decides he can not get home.
07.57 - Mike switches on the light. Sprengiko is on Mike's sofa, fully dressed and smelling like a cold, wet, homeless dog with the lurgy.
08.44 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive at work. All hell breaks loose.

THE END

foot rest

Hello.

Are your feet tired?

the very fragrant Sophie Newman has an all but new foot rest under her desk which she has no use for, since her feet have turned into turnips.

First come first serve hurry hurry curry.

'geeko