Non-Christmas CD 2005

The script for the second of the least famous mixtape in history...

CD - Mark Lamarr Track 1

Intro
Festive misgivings friends, and welcome to the second annual non-Christmas CD, a concept so repetitive it’s a concept so repetitive it’s a concept so repetitive... So, kick back, relax, and enjoy another year’s worth of forgetfulness and deceit, not forgetting of course the hideously selected muzak, nauseatingly inserted at various points as we meander towards the horizon of 2006.

1CD – ‘Get Ready’ – The Temptations (Tk1 10’)

January
2005 began wonderfully, but swiftly declined into a more familiar January territory of despair. This was only added to by the constant presence of Steve Collins, who decided he wanted to waste some money in London and sleep at the foot of my bed, completely veiling the fact that he was secretly planning to relocate me to Willesden and beat me at chess.

2CD – ‘The Red, The White, The Black, The Blue’ – Hope For The States (Tk2 05’)

February
All the hard work paid off of course, and in February Steve and I moved into our new house. Though still sharing a room for a few weeks, we had the combined threat of a blackboard, an odious flatmate, and an oven Steve seemed allergic to switching off, to keep us on our toes.

3CD – Gang Of Four.. (Track 3 - 18’)

March
On the day of March I like to term late February, Ben went away with some girl who had that day vomited all over the back of her own car, to spend his birthday on a plane and visit my sister in Australia. I was suddenly promoted, accidentally taking a pay cut in the process, whilst Steve Allen worked very hard and cleverly in a bath, and Picto almost killed himself in a bizarre gardening accident involving a bicycle. James spent this time being James. Twice.

4CD – ‘The Heart’s A Lonely Hunter’ – Thievery Corporation (Tk4 15’)

April & May
Now April and May have, typically at this stage in the year, been all but forgotten. Completely. I am, however, reliably informed that any remaining degrees were finished off by the two people fastest approaching the grand old age of twenty-four, and we all cocooned ourselves in little bubbles while we faced the reality of adulthood – longer hangovers, council tax and gout. But it wasn’t all bad, it was nearly June and Ben was still away, learning the difference between washing up liquid and olive oil.

5CD – ‘White Rabbit’ – Jefferson Airplane (Tk5 28’)

June
June was a joy from beginning to end. Picto wasted no time in celebrating another birthday; Steve Allen went away to hunt whales with homemade submarines; barbecues were rife, which means it was also quite nice weather; and Steve Collins got a proper job, or at least a full time one up the road.

6CD – ‘Tristan’ – Patrick Wolf (Tk6 15’)

July
Ah July, month of the gods. What a month, what a glorious, glorious month.
I don’t remember it at all.

7CD – ‘Blister In The Sun’ – The Violent Femmes (Tk7 19’)

August
In the month of Big Chillgust, Steve, James and I chilled. Steve Allen did more excellent things in Canada, Picto did some saving, and Ben did Lou.

8CD – ‘We Are All On Drugs’ – Weezer (Tk8 16’)

September
September began for Steve and myself with another new house, this time on ‘the right side of the tracks’. With four extras rooms – namely a lounge, a toilet, a garden and a shed, we had reason to celebrate. Steve did so by sharing his bed with his male friends, and his female flatmates. James was very prominently in the area after his dalliance under the spell of sky TV, though often with the smell of perfume that suggested Steve was not the only woman in his life. Ben came back to play beach cricket dressed as a Lion though he missed our housewarming as he had been hypnotised by a girl with a refract-orator-thing. The party somehow coped with the absence of the refract-orator-thing and Picto cut his hand on a melon. We also all went to Jo Mackie’s birthday party by accident.

9CD – ‘Track – Blood Brothers (Tk9)

October
In October I took a well-earned holiday, which was delightful. I travelled from Canada to Mexico. In a car. I ate many tacos, and was the epitome of ‘cool’ throughout. Back home life froze in anticipation of my return, and when I returned to awake them, all agreed that in general I had much more fun, and that I was therefore the best.

10CD – ‘Spanish Flea’ – Herb Alpert (Tk10 10’)

November
At last came November. A month we had all been waiting for since about May; Picto finally left for China after about a week of goodbyes, James circulated a number of manly embraces, the best of which came my way at Spittlefields market over some curious continental cuisine, I began my obsession with Scott Walker (much to the dismay of Steve), and Steve Allen announced he was to become a doctor, which made me very, very proud. By this point facial hair was on everyone’s agenda, filling our thoughts and covering our faces, like the grass of wisdom thrown from the heavens.

11CD – ‘The Old Man’s Back Again’ – Scott Walker (Tk11 04’)

December
Ahh Scott.
At the time of writing, December hadn’t delivered more than a few recollections, but unless I’m very much mistaken the following probably happened; Picto built a great wall on his way to Tibet, Steve disappeared to Goa so as to avoid buying any Christmas presents and Ben and that girl he knows put the next stage in the ‘Slimm-Winchester-takeover-plan’ into place, by moving in next to Josie. Add to this the Allen taking another Bath and James continuing his regular commutes to London (under the pretence of job-hunting but in reality to perform beigel magic on street corners), and yet another year of disappointment and thrush was all but over.

12CD – ‘Bullets’ – Editors (Tk12 14’)

Outro
And so at last we reach 2006, I would like to apologise to everyone for what has been an amnesiac reflection on the memories of the year, which the budgie has been dictating to me at one of our regular sessions. This comes with the exception of Steve, of whom the 14th duke speaks of quite alarming physical and mental budgie rape, but who he has spent a great deal of time lustily dictating about.

CD – Mark Lamarr’s Naughty Christmas – Track 11

removed for legal reasons

very funny nonetheless