'May the fourth be with you'

No, it's not a Jedi with a lisp (Jedi's aren't allowed lisps- it goes against Lucasfilm protocol), but the very splendid UTPC social, a quiz night to end all quiz nights complete with questions, answers and monkeys with freakishly long fingers. Please remember to let Fiona know if you intend to attend and come down to the basement of 54 on the night having spent the previous evening memorising Hungarian folk songs, Preston North End's championship winning side of 1889 and Yiddish slang.

Alcohol will be available on request.

Dear all

I am saddened and distressed to have to compose this email. This week production's daily copies of 'The Mirror' newspaper have routinely vanished before 9am (one having turned up in the 1st floor mens' toilet!)

Our cherished newspapers are available for all to enjoy, but I would ask that you return them to us once you have borrowed them so that we too can revel in their tabloid glory. Alternatively, why not make use of our state-of-the-art breakfast bar, where you might catch a glimpse of stars like Oneword's Frank Stirling, peeping out from his natural literary environment.

I have stopped crying now.

Hello team

Today's channel 4 meeting has been rescheduled for 12pm due to unforeseen circumstances involving pistachio nuts.

Thanks.