Non-Christmas CD 2007

And we're back in 2007 with this offering...

1CD - Bring Me Sunshine

Intro – Hello and welcome to the third annual-ish non-Christmas CD. I would like to begin with an apology – for last year’s no doubt distressing absence of CD, the blame for which lies solely with the Iraqi Judicial System for incomprehensibly hanging their former dictator on New Year’s eve, and then allowing it to be videoed on mobile phone and passed on to The Sun newspaper.

2CD – My Life is Natural

JANUARY
That was Slade! Mental.
Anyway, January. January was a cold one, made all the more so by my refusal to indulge in the sweet sweet warmth of alcohol. Instead the month was spent recording podcasts with James, going out with James, and researching Steve Allen logos on Google.
Picto turned up to a comedy show with the improbably named Basha Benda, whilst that ever-enthusiastic character James and I dressed up for a burlesque show as Victorian paupers from Hoxton. Before realising that burlesque in fact meant two Chinese contortionists in lycra.
Oh, and Steve Collins had a birthday, which he spent in Saigon.

3CD – In The Midnight Hour

FEBRUARY
A brief flick through my diary informs me that I saw a fair amount of you chaps in the month that was February. Sadly that’s about all it does.
The month began with Ben and Lou telling me my haircut was ‘sensible’, then there was a quiet period before I saw Steve Allen before his snowboarding trip on the 17th, James for dinner on the 19th, and Ben again on the 24th. The only notes I appear to have made concerning any of the dates are the cryptically scrawled ‘2 heads’ by James’ name...
Also in February James and I paid money to go and watch a dozen performers prance around a stage with power tools making an absolute bloody racket that I don’t believe my ears will ever recover from...
Picto spent the month being miserable.

5CD – I’m The Urban Spaceman

MARCH
March was a good one, despite the travesty that was the Slaang warehouse party.
Steve, Picto and I went to a birthday party for some girl called Emily, James was my date for the Buena Vista Social Club, and I began to get pretty friendly with that Emily girl before disappearing off to Thailand for a couple of weeks to be ignored by Steve Collins at closer proximity than I had been enjoying for the last year or so.
In fact the only worthwhile thing that Steve said to me for the entire trip was that Steve Allen was his favourite. Proof indeed that though he had unquestionably become a wanker he still had impeccable taste.
During this time Ben had a birthday, though as I wasn’t there it seems wholly inappropriate to criticise his taste in guests.

9CD – Spanish Stroll

APRIL
On my return from Thailand I was greeted by Jimmy Saville, who took me around London for the day in his pink Rolls Royce. Steve Allen put his brain to good use by making a solar cooker that Dick Strawbridge poked fun at, Chico was in awe of my new white shoes at a Russian party, I had dinner with James that my notes tell me was ‘ok’, and I gave Mr Allen’s allotment some helpful advice about radishes.
The highlight of the month was our group sojourn to the land of the Bath, despite even the presence of our weary traveller friend who had recently returned to our fair shores via the Hampshire Bowman. James celebrated his return by giving him a vest, Ben came along purely to receive presents, and Picto brought along a couple of German friends for the sole purpose of making the salad for the barbecue.
That evening we went to see Mr Scruff. A good time was had by all but I still managed to spend most of the evening vomiting in a bush in an effort to impress that nice young Emily lady who had accidentally, unwittingly and recently become my girlfriend.

4CD – A Hidden Forest

MAY
May was the month of the Nigel Mackie Garden Party. Picto had spent the last month landscaping the arena, only for Joanne Allen to weigh in at the last moment with a few plants and steal all the glory. Simon Layzell put in a brief yet memorable appearance in London, Steve Allen cycled to Yeovil with a tipee in tow, and at Ben and Lou’s behest everyone dressed up as gnomes for the Summer Solstice, Picto’s costume being so good as to reward him with a girlfriend for his troubles.
Having an allergy to gnoming I spent the weekend shacked up in a tent, in a Cornwall that still thought it was midwinter. My sole comfort being that unwitting young lady that I keep going on about, who almost learnt her lesson and got rid of my while she was still able.
Unsurprisingly, after about six weeks of gallivanting around England ignoring reality, Steve Collins decided to sod off again. This time Italy beckoned, so with only his small yacht book for company he took off to Pisa, gateway to the Mediterranean, finding work as a Strongbow drinker on the boat of a dodgy Russian Oligarch.

7CD – Running Away

JUNE
Being the best birthday month, it seemed only right that June should be a month of celebration. I spent mine in a local park, before James took over. After passing out for an hour on my bed, he demanded we go to a club on Brick Lane, only to duck out at the last minute and head for a roof party. Once the night was over and we all went home, he called up and couldn’t quite understand why we weren’t about to join him on the roof.
Who nose what Picto did for his birthday. Who nose! Geddit!? HE HAD A NOSE PARTY! My nose was the best as I had actually made it, out of plastic spoons and fried egg sweets.
I believe I am right in saying that this was also the month that Shaun broke James’s face with an ocarina. Though don’t ask James as he didn’t seem to notice at the time.

14CD – Start Wearing Purple

JULY
In July Picto and I took our respective partners to Dans Le Noir, for an evening of overpriced food, mislaid orders and stressed-out, blind waiting staff. In the dark.
The party of the summer (or what summer there was) belonged to Josie Slimm, who emigrated to Australia just to have it. Gnomes were out in full force once more, whilst Lou and I entertained the troops with admittedly fairly awful vocal performances of lost classics, such as the Slyson-Dimm penned ‘Josie-doh’ and my ‘ode to John Slimm’.
July also saw the death of Cure Cafe, as we realised it would be far more environmentally conscious for us not to encourage the masses to spend any more time on their computers than was already necessary. Ah well...

12CD – We’re Gonna Change The World

AUGUST
Festival time was upon us once more. James and I went to Shoreditch, where that lovely young Emily was still to be found doing her bit for society by keeping me in check. James also spent a solid amount of time recounting old stories involving poo, much to the delight of Picto, who, as a veteran of troubling colonic episodes himself, could fully empathise with the scenarios faced.
The Green Man festival was also heavily attended, though not by Steve Allen who had originally suggested the event back in April. Despite all the joy that was brought that weekend, mostly in big black bags by Ben, my personal highlight was the dirty old man that looked like Robbie Coltrane in Harry Potter, who laid down behind us cradling a scantily clad small plastic doll.

11CD – Psycho Killer

SEPTEMBER
More parties beckoned in September. Steve and Lou had a juggernaut of a time in Winchester, where the word on everyone’s lips was dog. Or corpse.
Shaun and Zoe came up to London to celebrate Jo Mackie’s birthday, but we quickly decided our time would be better spent drinking quietly at home, and made a speedy exit.
James also had a party, this month was fast rivalling June, though unfortunately I was given full responsibility for keeping him out of the way for the day, a job I did so appallingly that by the time the party had begun we were so drunk we didn’t notice our collective spilling of red wine all over the floor. Typically Shaun impressed everyone at the party with his unique use of the didgeridoo.
Also in September, James took me to a Matthew Barney exhibition and talk at the serpentine, which was pretty hard work for a realist like myself.

6CD – Weirdo

OCTOBER
As I arrived in October I also arrived in India, for a tiger-tracking mission in one of the national parks. As this trip was free, I was the winner for October. I got back and promptly moved into a new flat with the very fragrant Emily, before inviting James and Sops round for a slap up 3-course meal in return for a lovely citrus tree that requires more light than it is currently getting.
Also in October Steve Allen complimented his newfound BBC two fame by being granted a column in the local Bristol & Bath magazine. Early word on the street is that in his byline photo our Steve looks ‘hot, if a little outdoorsy’.

8CD – Creepin Up The Backstairs

NOVEMBER
November began with the Cinematic Orchestra gig at the Royal Albert Hall, attended even by Steve Collins, who had flown back specifically for the gig, and taken the next two weeks off work to recover. I then got ill and spent the rest of the weekend being miserable, James went off to see some fireworks, and Shaun and the Steve’s sat in my flat watching Nathan Barley on DVD.
Later that month we created an abstract art display for Steve, titled ‘Cider and Pain’ that culminated in that weird chair thing that will forever keep me mystified, Steve Allen came all the way to London to see a play and eat a pizza, and James painted pictures of medicine bottles and tried to sell them at inflated prices.
Then Steve jetted back out to Pisa for the winter season, and accidentally ordered a year’s supply of Strongbow, and enough marmite to... What do you do with excessive amounts of marmite indeed?

13CD – Goodbye Horses

DECEMBER
All this brings me on to December, a month that I am scarcely half way though and yet feel compelled to talk about in hindsight. I went for a curry with James while he gave me the distinct impression he was doing increasingly well at work. He then teased that young Sops before whisking her off to Budapest for a birthday love-in.
James also had Christmas drinkies at his house, then more Christmas drinkies took place down south, and hopefully we all managed to see each other at some point before Picto went snowbound for some boarding and the rest of us went our separate ways for new year.
And Steve Allen changed his home phone number.

15CD – Daydream in Blue

And so at last we reach 2008, and what does the next 12 months have in store for us all I do wonder?
You have a year to mull over that thought, while I fine tune the art of Diarising to the point at which writing this thing becomes easy.
I do hope you all have a wonderful festive period, are in good spirits for the turn of the year, and will join me at some point soon to reward me for my hard work and dedication to the cause .
Good luck for 2008. You’ll need it!

16CD – Feeling Alright

The Maltese Spa

I'd be a fool not to accept a free trip away, to one of Europe's top Spa resorts, so when the offer came in from my lady friend, I jumped at the chance.

Fortunately for the chance, I mistimed my jump, missed the chance completely, and ended up in a tree.

But I still went to the spa. Here are a few little videos of our time there, displaying some of the treatments the classy suites have to offer...

THE BATHROOM



THE DERMALIFE



THE STRESSBUSTER



As anticipated, we were absolutely shattered by the end of the weekend, and had to take it easy the next day at work...