Last Exit - The Trailer

Ah, holidays! How they warm the cockles, increase the peace, impregnate my yang.

Not only is there a half hour feature devoted to Steve Allen, Andy Woody and the interrailing trip to Serbia, but I also made a trailer, and here it is (i'll try and do the full version in segments over the next few whatevers...)

On his European interrailing holiday, our hero El Sprengiko (me) did the following;

30.06.06
-Left work in panic.
-Caught 19.37 tube to Waterloo, sweating.
-Caught 20.02 train to Portsmouth, sweating marginally less.
-Met Steve Allen and Andy, gave Steve Allen manly hug.
-Tried to give Andy even manlier hug but was instead given one on the chin by Andy’s manly shoulder.
-Realised had eaten seven eggs in last 24 hours
-Caught 22.50 ferry to Le Havre.
-Tried to go to toilet.
-Vowed to go without eggs for the duration of holiday.
-Failed to sleep.

01.07.06
-Awoke (nearly) in Le Havre.
-Ate egg.
-Walked down road that smelled like the breath of one million homeless cats.
-Caught 08.40 train to Paris, read book.
-Sat in Parisian cafe, thought about things that don’t go with bread, watched Steve Allen win four seconds later with “Ice Cream”. Brilliant.
-Caught 13.03 train to Chalon-en-Champagne, mastered European train timetable.
-Arrived at local pub just in time for England game.
-Ordered lemonade.
-Realised continental time zone change also applies to football.
-Forced Steve Allen and Andy to enact gay art house film while standing in river, got bitten by insect.
-Returned to local pub.
-Threatened to murder whistle-blowing Portuguese fans, tried to eat otherwise delightful barracuda.

02.07.06
-Waited for Andy.
-Caught 0806 train to Stuttgart, informed by Andy of our velocity (192 kph).
-Ate lunch in Stuttgart, watched Steve Allen drop bottle and be informed by local man “it’s your bottle” in very stern, concerned, precise and punctual manner.
-Caught 14.40 train to Schwabisch Hall.
- Was informed by local man “we ARE efficient” in very stern, concerned, precise and punctual manner.
-Caught 22.53 train to Prague.

03.07.06
-Threatened to murder polite and courteous train guard for attempting to be paid 20 euros for sleeper cabin.
-Realised aforementioned train guard had both good English and a proximity of under two feet.
-Went to bed in sleeper cabin, 20 euros lighter.
-Walked about a bit in Prague, sweating.
-Became paranoid about being followed by the number 73.
-Exchanged money badly, ate cabbage.

04.07.06
-Caught 0737 train to Bratislava.
-Threatened to murder screaming Czech baby.
-Became intoxicated by the high percentage of beautiful women.
-Became distressed by the height of beautiful women.
-Met funny old man, watched funny old man shit imaginary diahoerria and joke about the quality of the lift.
-Bought cheap ice cream.
-Watched Andy buy larger ice cream.
-Almost bought t-shirt.
-Argued with Steve Allen about tipping.
-Won argument.

05.07.06
-Had a lie in.
-Went to Leonardo Da Vinci museum, left with headache, sweating.
-Waited for Andy.
-Caught 16.50 train to Budapest.
-Walked down long main road to restaurant.
-Ate dinner, watched football.
-Walked up long main road to train station.
-Metaphorically sweated over the number of people waiting for the 23.25 train to Novi Sad.
-Literally sweated on the 23.25 train to Novi Sad.
-Threatened to murder group of English festival-goers singing Status Quo on five-second repeat at the top of their voices.
-Had passport checked by 8 Serbs with guns.
-Failed to sleep.

06.07.06 - 10.07.06 inclusive (like one long, long day).
-Walked about in Novi Sad, sweating.
-Found festival, met / accosted by Vlada the Serb, pitched tent.
-Moved tent on account of changing position of shade.
-Went to supermarket with Vlada the Serb, bought a pear liqueur that induces impotence.
-Got drunk.
-Slept a bit.
-Forced Steve Allen to wake up, sober up, and come to the festival.
-Walked for half an hour to the fort where the festival was held.
-Looked after camera whilst Andy went the half hour back for his entry card.
-Got lost in a sea of people and stages, beer and food, panicked with Morrissey.
-Slept a bit.
-Went to campsite beach, checked out ladies.
-Met up with Christian, accidentally ate paracetomol.
-Went to supermarket, watched Andy buy extra banana.
-Bought extra chocolate bar.
-Watched Andy eat extra chocolate bar.
-Watched crazy Slovenian guy rub toothpaste on his head and rape an imaginary tiger.
-Sweated buckets dancing to Andy C, wandered around, almost fell down a hill.
-Met someone who had fallen down a hill.
-Slept sporadically, uncomfortably and sweatily.
-Shat in cubicle that smelt pleasantly of white musk, showered in cubicle with warm water!
-Bumped into Ryan Dunne. Was informed by Ryan Dunne that I smelt ‘gay’.
-Brushed teeth.
-Lost Vlada the Serb.
-Watched 10,000 other Serbs sing along to The Pet Shop Boys, watched Zidane head-butt Materazzi, watched the sun rise four times.
-Ate red-hot chilli pepper.
-Began taking down tent, got in the way, watched Steve Allen and Andy take down tent.
-Caught 13.05 train to Belgrade, sweating.
-Won at cards.
-Caught late 21.55 train to Zagreb.
-Stole seat from young Argentine, threatened to murder noisy Slovenians.
-Slept in a sweat.



11.07.06
-Drank pink coffee, discovered that own swollen ankles looked like property of slightly chubby, hairy, woman.
-Discovered all had dirty feet, offered vitamin by Andy.
-Discovered Andy actually had rotting coal on the end of his legs.
-Caught 11.25 train to Rijeka, caught 17.00 catamaran to the island of Cres.
-Ate massive seafood dinner, played with king prawn shells, took photos.
-Became less than sober.

12.07.06
-Went for swim in fountain with Steve Allen and two hot Irish girls.
-Missed Andy, for no apparent reason, vomit.
-Pulled one hot Irish girl.
-Walked home, realised had actually pulled one spotty Irish girl.
-Was informed by Steve Allen that his hot Irish girl was in fact “bear-like”
-Realised had pulled a spotty Irish girl called Eileen Ford.
-Laughed at the name Eileen Ford.
-Watched Steve Allen walk into door. Twice
-Realised it was 7am, went to bed.
-Went for evening swim.
-Headbutted window.

13.07.06
-Got up early to go for casual swim.
-Strolled into town to check ferry times.
-Ran back to hotel, frantically packed up belongings, rushed back into town to catch only ferry of day.
-Sweated non-stop for three days.
-Waited for Andy.
-Caught 12.58 train to Ljubljana.
-Ate foal, type of horse, at restaurant that prides itself on being “STILL the oldest building in Ljubljana”.

14.07.06
-Caught 10.28 train to Verona.
-Ate pizza, looked at amphitheatre.
-Went to bed in oven, slept a bit on stone floor.

15.07.06
-Caught 08.10 train to Lausanne.
-Panicked about getting home.
-Ate cheese fondue at gay bar.
-Caught 20.45 train to Paris.
-Began to fall asleep in quiet, comfortable carriage.

16.07.06
-Watched big, scary man board train with chainsaw.
-Began to wake up.
-Smiled at man with chainsaw, man with chainsaw did not smile back.
-Hoped Steve Allen would protect me, went to sleep.
-Was not murdered by big man with chainsaw.
-Was given free cake by hungover Parisian teenagers.
-Caught 09.15 train to Le Havre.
-Waited.
-Ate.
-Waited.
-Caught 17.30 ferry to Portsmouth.
-Won at cards, got called a Nazi.
-Got searched and accused of being in stolen car at customs.
-Missed 21.49 train to London.
-Caught 22.32 train to London.
-Missed last tube home.
-Ran out of Oyster credit on night bus.
-Was given free lift.
-Was fortunately without energy to kiss bus driver.
-Went to bed.

camden crawl

Mike Wood and I went to the Camden Crawl last night. It was really good. The night went something like this...

18.25 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive in Mornington Crescent.
18.46 - Mike and Sprengiko finally figure out how to get hold of wristband (necessity).
18.53 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive at Barfly to see 'The Others'. Sprengiko can not count change from alcoholic beverages supplied.
19.07 - 'The Others' begin their set. They are good fun. Crowd surfers are a bit silly, culminating in roughly thirty people crashing onto stage for final number. A great deal of sweat is exfoliated by all.
19.51 - Mike and Sprengiko walk halfway across London to see 'Towers of London', who are basically a Motley Crue tribute band who look like the Ramones. They do a number of daring things, including throwing cigarettes at the audience, throwing beer at the audience, and spitting at the audience. The audience throw and spit back. They also take the opportunity to perform highly cliched rock manoeuvres such as standing in a line in front of the drum kit. Despite this they are not actually appalling (in a Spinal Tap kind of way).
20.02 - Mike notices that the tall guy obscuring our view is Simon Price. (Sprengiko is impressed for the following reasons: 1. Sprengiko has never heard of Simon Price. 2. Simon Price is apparently a print journalist, and thus does not have a recognisable face. 3. Mike can only see the back of his head anyway). Sprengiko confirms that it is indeed Simon Price, by shouting his name and looking in the opposite direction. Simon Price turns around.
20.42 - Mike and Sprengiko get bored at gig, decide to go and see 'Maximo Park'. After arriving to hear the final three chords of the only song of theirs that is any good, we spend twelve minutes listening to songs that are not good.
20.54 - Mike and Sprengiko go to see 'The Glitterati' and have to queue!!! Mike says he has heard one of their songs. The lead singer may or may not be related to Rod Stewart (or Ronnie Wood). They are actually very good. Mike has never heard any of their songs.
22.00 - Mike and Sprengiko head off to see the special surprise guests. It turns out they are The Buzzcocks. Mike and Sprengiko decide to go and see 'Goldie Looking Chain' instead. On leaving we shout out to the assembled masses humourous things such as "I can't believe Steps are playing". No-one is amused, one person is positively excited.
22.16 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive to see 'Goldie Looking Chain'. They are awful. Mike and Sprengiko leave to see an acoustic set by 'Hope of the States'
22.29 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive at 'Hope of the States'. Whilst queueing we encounter someone who is trying to queue-jump. He looks like he is in a band (stock band haircut, girlfriend much prettier than him) Sprengiko suggests he is in Razorlight. Whole queue subsequently takes the piss out of him. Man leaves in huff. Other man comes out of venue shouting "is Andy from Razorlight here?" Andy from Razorlight disappears around corner, followed by better looking girlfriend.
22.32 - Mike and Sprengiko have photo taken for Japanese magazine. We tell photographer we are in a "really good band". Photographer laughs.
22.35 - Mike and Sprengiko get in to venue. Sprengiko shouts out "Razorlight" and then talks to some randoms whilst the guitarist strums the first few chords of Golden Touch. Sprengiko does not notice. Mike looks knowledgable.
23.02 - Mike and Sprengiko go somewhere else. Sprengiko's memory haemmorages.
02.32 - Mike and Sprengiko are stood with two guys from Torquay at Euston. Sprengiko decides he can not get home.
07.57 - Mike switches on the light. Sprengiko is on Mike's sofa, fully dressed and smelling like a cold, wet, homeless dog with the lurgy.
08.44 - Mike and Sprengiko arrive at work. All hell breaks loose.

THE END