Email Addresses Analysed

OK, own up, which category do you fit into?

(And no, I don;t know what an ampersand is!)

Tsk.

More from the email conversation that shook the nation...

Hi Richard,

Many thanks for the reply. It really made my day to receive it and I have proudly told most people I've come into contact since all about it!

Unsurprisingly I share the Spring*r / Spr*ng*r issue, indeed while at college a small group of friends referred to me as 'Jerry'. While at school I always wanted to be towards the end of the alphabet - my dream surname was Zwick (or Zucco or somesuch) for that very reason!

Interesting that you're actually a Franz, I'm not sure of our own history dating back that far, but have always hoped my ancestors were German dynamite experts - the most literal translation I can find for Spr*ng*r is 'Blaster'.

Thanks again for your response. I am glad we share the name.

Best wishes,
Richard

PS - fairly unique? Surely this conversation proves our name is anything but...

The email that made my day...

Hi Richard

Thank you for your email, I don't get many emails from myself. On the positive side the name is fairly unique, people tend to remember the name once they realize it's not Spring*r. On the negative side the family name came from moving in to a house called Spr*ng*rhoff in 1723. Our name is really Franz. Starting with S also meant waiting a long time at school when things were decided alphabetically. Most people can't pronounce the name and usually I get "like Jerry or a spaniel". Despite all this when we had a family discussion about changing the family name back to Franz, there was no enthusiasm.

Good luck with the name.

Richard

For the sake of namesakes...

Dear Richard Spr*ng*r,


I am emailing you because like you, I have been blessed with the name Richard Spr*ng*r. I have never met any Spr*ng*rs outside of my immediate family - I assumed it to be quite an uncommon name (outside of Germany, where I believe we have a fuller quota).


So you can imagine my surprise when I realised there were more Spr*ng*rs in the UK, and that one of them (possibly more) was similarly called Richard.

I believe you are slightly older than me (I am 25) and wondered whether you believe our name to be a blessing, a curse or neither of the above. Do you wear the good name of Spr*ng*r on your sleeve, or is it a burden you cope with admirably?


I took the liberty of purchasing your book, Intermediate Food Hygiene, though was disappointed to find its spine was without author. To be honest I have little experience of good food hygiene, but I think it's marvellous that one of us does, and not only that, but that you appear to be very successful with it.


Anyway, thanks for your time, I hope you are well.


Best Wishes,

Richard Spr*ng*r.


--------------------------------


Hi Richard, It's me again, Richard.

I am writing again as I didn't receive a response from my previous email... Maybe you thought I was taking the mickey, maybe it didn't get past your spam filter (Richard Spr*ng*rs are notorious for having excellent spam filters...)

I genuinely am a Richard Spr*ng*r and would be keen to hear from you, the only other Richard Spr*ng*r I have ever come across, with regard to the email above.

I promise to leave you alone should you wish, but I'd just like a few short lines from you on our name, if you have a moment I would really appreciate it.

Best wishes,
Richard Spr*ng*r

* removed for legal reasons...

Puzzle a Day

Dear Sir / Madam,

I received your 'Puzzle a Day' pad for Christmas and found it a little disappointing to say the least.

Though some of the days included good puzzles, the majority of the days were either hideously complicated (do you expect the puzzles to take ALL day? - I will grudgingly put this down to the fact that I am not a member of Mensa) or worse, simply wrong!

The complicated questions gave no method to working out the answer, more often than not just a number was provided, leaving me no happier that you had got the correct answer but suspecting that you had made it up. Maybe I'm just thick, but there can be no excuse for some of your bigger errors on the quiz.

Allow me to be anal about this with a random selection of puzzles I have not yet got round to throwing away:

Day 247's numbers do not fit onto the crossword grid, because one of the options is 2446, not 12446 as it should be. Pretty slack I think you'll agree.

Day 264's changing of DUST to GOLD in 5 moves would be fine, if only there were 5 moves to be made, rather than the four slots you have allocated. Slack once more.

Day 302 has a man and his son who are aged 27 years apart but with age digits reversed. Apparently they are 63 and 36 respectively, but could they also not be 52 and 25? or 41 and 14? or 74 and 47? 85 and 58? I could go on...

That really is thick.

Thus, within 2 months, there are at least 3 of these errors (from memory many more) which, coupled with the puzzles at the other end of the spectrum, make for a wholly unsatisfying year.

I do think the idea for 'Puzzle a Day' is a good one, but I do wish it had been carried out by professionals.

Yours, in sympathy,

Richard Sprenger

Hi team!

just a(nother) reminder to switch things off at the end of the day. It really doesn't take long, and helps conserve your unborn grandchildren!

I have drawn up a table to show how this works:

Switching things off = less energy used = less of a strain on environment = longer life expectancy of planet = conservation of unborn grandchildren.

I know its a bit convoluted, but the point remains, please try and turn off your computers and screens.

Thank you.

Edit suite window…

...was left open all weekend...

Fortunately it looks like all that has gone missing is the gold bullion I had stashed in my drawer and a selection of Dale's smudged signed photos. If whoever left the window open could reimburse me to the tune of £10,000,000 I would be most grateful.

Thanks.

'May the fourth be with you'

No, it's not a Jedi with a lisp (Jedi's aren't allowed lisps- it goes against Lucasfilm protocol), but the very splendid UTPC social, a quiz night to end all quiz nights complete with questions, answers and monkeys with freakishly long fingers. Please remember to let Fiona know if you intend to attend and come down to the basement of 54 on the night having spent the previous evening memorising Hungarian folk songs, Preston North End's championship winning side of 1889 and Yiddish slang.

Alcohol will be available on request.

Dear all

I am saddened and distressed to have to compose this email. This week production's daily copies of 'The Mirror' newspaper have routinely vanished before 9am (one having turned up in the 1st floor mens' toilet!)

Our cherished newspapers are available for all to enjoy, but I would ask that you return them to us once you have borrowed them so that we too can revel in their tabloid glory. Alternatively, why not make use of our state-of-the-art breakfast bar, where you might catch a glimpse of stars like Oneword's Frank Stirling, peeping out from his natural literary environment.

I have stopped crying now.

Hello team

Today's channel 4 meeting has been rescheduled for 12pm due to unforeseen circumstances involving pistachio nuts.

Thanks.

couriers

If anyone is booking a bike / car today, please phone Susie as her computer is on fire.

Your Soul

Hi Simon,

hope you're well!

I don't know if you remember, but some time in 1999 you part exchanged a 51% majority steak in your soul with me (I forget what you received in return, possibly a can of Dr. Pepper).

A great deal has happened in the time since that fateful day. London has been bombed, Kylie has cancer and Mark Young has failed at life.

But more importantly, I have very little cash and Ebay exists.

In short, dear friend, I am writing to ask permission to sell my 51% majority steak on the aforementioned website, for a minimal fee (I'm hoping to raise at least twenty pounds).

I promise to sell to a careful owner (I'll even forward you the link, in case you want to bid!) And trouble you no more.

How would you feel about this?

Please enclose a photograph.

West Bishes,

El Sprengiko

road trippin'

Hello friend,

If you are at all interested in my recent holiday (I went on holiday recently), please feel free to read below. I have attached endnotes at certain useful reference points, so you can filter your level of concern.

When Ben(1) told me (two days before my departure to meet him in Canadia(2) and drive down to Mexico(3)), that the car’s transmission had all but fallen out I was immediately made poignant(4). I thus arrived in Whistler(5), the rain clouds formed, and I spent the first six days getting up early(6), hanging round with Aussies(7), sitting in a hot tub(8), and checking my profile on hot or not(9). Now, mechanics(10) are a backward bunch, and so it was that on the seventh day they actually began work, miraculously delivering old ‘Doris’(11) in the hour of four(12), to our door(13).
We set off straight away, with Ben’s Canadian(14) friend Ryan(15) in tow to subsidise fuel costs and say the word ‘somewhat’ a lot. The next few days were spent driving south all day(16), sleeping in car parks(17) and San Francisco(18) at night, and avoiding close contact with Americans(19).
We made it to Mexico in four days, crossing the border at Tijuana without even noticing(20) and heading straight for San Felipe(21). Over the next ten days we then continued driving to Puerticitos(22), Ensenada(23), San Quintin(24), Rosarito(25) and Tijuana(26), sleeping on the beach(27) and eating tacos(28).
And just like that it was more or less over. Ben and Ryan drove me up to Los Angeles, via Huntington(29) to fly home, where I arrived twenty-four sleepless(30) hours later, took a shower, and spent the day at work dressed in a poncho and a sombrero, passing out sweets with chilli centres to my unfortunate work-mates(31).

Very best wishes to thee and thine, it feels like we haven't met up for ages - let's go out for a drink sometime(32).

El Sprengiko xxx(33)



FOOTNOTES

1 Ah, what to say about the cheeky chinaman? For those who don't know Ben description is futile, but i'll give it a go regardless - he's basically a goat in the body of a Viet Kong. He is fond of saying stupid things, has a grip on reality best described as 'loose', and is exactly the type of person you should not spend a driving holiday with. His name in Chinese means 'sweaty onion'.
2 The Wales to our United States. I flew in to Vancouver, which I passed through twice - both times at night so as to save energy looking at it. I've heard its quite nice.
3 The Baja California region, a peninsular on the west coast populated solely by American real estate holiday home owners (November - September) and stray dogs (weekdays). With the exception of Tijuana, it's not 'proper' Mexico but you do get a passport stamp (if you remember to go to the 'voluntary' immigration office) and the cars are generally dirtier than in the States.
4 Sad.
5 Canadian ski resort, during the week long season that has neither sun nor snow.
6 Midday. Ish.
7 Persons with a basic grasp of the English language. There's a large number of them in Whistler, a couple of whom seemed very keen to try and grab my balls on a regular basis. Out of boredom I even allowed them the privelidge, once or twice. Two of the Aussie girls were extremely dull.
8 The highlight of my time in Whistler, the stone hot tub was situated outside the beautiful log cabin I was staying in overlooking a misty mountain in the distance, and clung to a temperature of 40 degrees for the duration. Nothing much interesting happened in the tub, except that one time I farted and nobody noticed. This did not happen later on during my time in the tent.
9 Started at about 8 and dropped to 5.5 at the blink of an eye. Despite the fact that I look really cool (like Tom Cruise sometimes does) and list ‘meerkats’ among my interests.
10 Backward bunch.
11 A Dodge van, the missing link between the modern people carrier and the sixteenth century wheelbarrow.
12 Inclusion for literal purposes.
13 Inclusion for rhyming purposes.
14 From Canadia.
15 Cheapskate, to the point that he once tried to take fifty cents out of the dollar tip we (Ben and I) paid and would complain if he had to pay more than a buck for a beer. He also had the annoying habit of saying whatever came into his head, regardless of interest or relevance. As far as I can tell he brought only three things to the trip - firstly he stopped me squabbling with Ben (as we had a common enemy), secondly that he stopped Ben squabbling with me (as he provided distractions as mundane as 'I somewhat thought for a minute it cost five bucks', when commenting unprovoked on an otherwise unmemorable meal that cost five bucks) and thirdly his own tent. Entertainingly mistaken for a girl, a hippy, a surfer, a terrorist (by a Mexican army officer with a big gun), and the second coming (in order of likelihood).
16 Mexico is practically directly south of Canada! Dodgy Doris survived the whole trip (no idea how far we drove as Ben reset the lap counter for no particular reason) despite being driven by a blind grandma (Ben - see point 20), a lunatic (me - managed to double the speed limit a few times and hit a speed bump at 50mph) and an illegal (Ryan - didn't have a licence and acted like he didn't have a brain). We did have a few problems along the way; The muffler went in the hills of Oregon, producing a noise steadily increasing throughout the trip that sounded like a tank continually crashing into a subwoofer factory. Then in Mexico we drove over a nail (producing a slow puncture, which turned into a fast one when Ben removed the offending article), a brake pad went (just the one, as if we were only ever stopping the left hand side of the car, while the right continued on with its journey), the left front speaker stopped speaking (most distressing for me when listening to anything produced after 1955), and the glove compartment had a habit of opening unprovoked at any given time and then refusing to shut (except on tuesdays when it failed to open).
17 Very uncomfortable. We'd basically hang up sheets to block the light and lie awake for several hours pretending to be asleep so as not to have to talk to Ryan.
18 Stayed in a motel in Berkley, used the BART subway (which was as simple as three ostriches attempting to decypher sanskrit), and saw a lot of sailors.
19 I have nothing much to add about Americans that hasn’t been said already, save that they begin most sentences with ‘well, ever since 9/11…’ (Particularly when involving petrol, car-parking and passports), and have a communal sense of humour to rival a dead, plastic, German shade of grey. They also appear to inhabit towns for many years and then suddenly evacuate them, leaving only a few wrinkled old ladies around to sit in diners and eat without teeth. They do similarly in the winter in Mexico, replacing the ladies with suicidal dogs.
20 With Ben driving we missed a number of things, including; me driving, being stationary, turnings, stop signs, red lights (it seemed he would often slow for orange ones for the sole purpose of driving through when they red), the correct side of the road, the road, and that we had crossed the border and were driving in Mexico. On the plus side he did drive like he lived in Jersey.
21 A tourist town without tourists. Numerous dead fish washed up on the shore.
22 Complete ghost town. With a library the size of a toilet cubicle. Didn't eat lunch there as the only restaurant in town only opened at 6pm, but the beach was very pleasantly situated in a bay and it had hot springs that stank of sulpher and could have liquidised a small child.
23 Quite touristy (comparatively). Had an excellent night out at a jazz bar and a locals' club where we danced with girls until they realised we couldn't dance 'Mexican' (as far as I could tell spinning in constant circles and taking short breaks to simulate buggery), at which point they would lose interest and turn to laugh at Ryan, who danced like he was being held upright by constant machine gun fire.
24 Another ghost town, without the town. Great beach and the unfulfilled promise of surf boards by our friendly American host. On the way down there it had been raining, and we made the mistake of driving down a mud road and getting the front wheel stuck (my fault). We eventually got ourselves out of trouble with the aid of retarded local, only for Ben to reverse into another sticky patch with his back tyre. By this point Ben had also coated half the van in mud while Ryan had managed to prove his uselessness twelve times.
25 Not much to say about Rosarito, lots of lifesize carvings of obscure animals along the roadside though, and a great deal of furniture.
26 I really liked Tijuana, though we didn't stay there long (only for breakfast) and the roads were mental. At the border crossing back into the States we were berated a number of times for having too much Tequila with us, only to be subsequently allowed straight through without so much as a sniffer dog. Which was at the time a little disappointing.
27 In tents, but right on the beach, or on the concrete before the beach. Pretty uncomfortable, but worth it for the view in the morning (Ben, legs akimbo, with a background of crashing waves and blinding sun).
28 We ate tacos pretty much all the time in Mexico. They were really good. Sometimes we'd put them in a flour tortilla (as opposed to corn) and call them burritos, include only cheese and call them quesadillas, cover them in a tasteless sauce and call them enchiladas or make them ourselves and call them fajitas.
29 Surf City, USA! We went out on the Friday night and surfing on the Saturday before leaving for the airport that night. My hideous efforts at partying, socialising and wave riding resulted in falling over, giving a girl my email without actually giving her my email, and more falling over. This was made bearable only because Ben was even worse than me and Ryan was a berk.
30 Nearly.
31 I know, I have a job!
32 Not you, Ryan.
33 For you, Ben. (Sorry).

Dear Friend

With all the news on TV lately about the hurricanes that America is experiencing, the typhoons in China, flooding in Switzerland and recent mud slides in South America, we shouldn't forget that the UK has its share of devastating weather too. Attached is a photo illustrating the damage caused to my friend's home in The New Forest from the storm that passed through last night. It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted.

Small amendment.

Hi all,

just a quick one to let you know I have changed my name to KERRY LUTER, to save money on business cards.

thanks,

Kerry Luter.

Rejoice!

The print cartridges have arrived and are in place to cater for all your second floor black & white printing needs.

The great chocolate swindle

At 16.14hrs on Thursday 11th August 2005 a shocking discovery was made in the commercial department of UBC. A boost chocolate bar realised it had been eaten. Moments later and it had managed to alert Denise, who after careful consideration over appropriate weaponry for revenge, decided on the group email over the comedy custard pie (too ‘Quinny’). Anna was typically the first to acknowledge developments, releasing a customary shriek of horror at the news (that was executed with finesse).
Sixteen thousand years later my computer clicked into gear, and opened the offending email. Hmmm… depressing stuff… how should I react? Admitting it wasn’t me to the entire company would be pretty hilarious… no; I should definitely blame someone… hmmm… who guarantees a smile? Gavin Rigby, that’s who…
Suddenly my inbox chugs to life, an email, from Roseann… interesting… WHAT? El Sprengiko did it? HE DID NOT! I send my Gavin Rigby email straight away and sit back looking cool.
The Phone rings. It’s Denise. I give Roseann a terrifying look of menace for good measure and pick up the receiver.
“Ted says he saw you eat a boost”
“HE DID NOT!” I reply (for some reason in the third person rather than in reference to Ted). I don’t remember the rest of the conversation - suffice to say nobody swore, and that telephones were involved.
Now the emails were really flying in, Wainwright adding yet more hilarity to the cause. Theresa, pretending to be working, brings ammunition to the debate. ‘Does anyone have any large jiffy bags? I need two!’ Two? An elaborate hoax indeed. Quick as a flash, Roseann replied once more. This should be good... WHAT??? HE DID NOT!!!
Then Denise stokes the flames. This is getting out of hand. I grab my emergency apple and tap away. Sacrificing an apple is clearly the only means of averting a potential hostage situation, of which I have had enough first hand experience to know it’s a pretty bad idea. Apples are also one of the more reliable devices for comedy email gags (For reference, others include ‘horticulture’, ‘chicken and leek soup’ and ‘groin’).
More emails arrived, all nearly as funny! What a great day this was; one from Shane, from John, from Dave, ‘Gout’? brilliant. Add that to my list.
Slowly, sadly, it became apparent we had reached our peak. No amount of electronic interwebbing would bring our beloved boost back. All that was to be done was to sit and wait for the UI guys to catch on. Which they duly did twenty minutes later, Billy coming in from the risky ‘peanuts’ angle with aplomb, whilst Matt inevitably claimed absence - this kind of thing just doesn’t happen when Matt’s around.
The production floor was, by this point, enjoying something of a carnival atmosphere; Lucy had erected a maypole, Emily was spinning some phat tunes, and Charlotte, ever the consummate fête professional, began slicing her homemade rhubarb quiche onto matching Ikea saucers.
This collective outburst of excitement cheapened the moment somewhat, so I returned to my work, with dignity intact, three slices later.
Just one thing was bothering me. Who was the mystery muncher? I took a sip from my chicken and leek soup, and got out my encyclopaedia. I first looked up horticulture, turns out its about grass. Then, with one final roll of the dice, I looked up the symptoms of gout…

franking

Hi all,

as you may have discovered, fisrt class standard mail has seen a price increase of 2p up to 30p this week.

however...

for franked mail the price is actually now 29p (an increase AND a saving of 1p) the new chip I have fitted to the scales is therefore correct. Please do not frank your first class letters at 30p.

This is VERY important.

Thank you

'geeko

QQQ - Smoking

Hi Everyone,

Please could I remind staff smokers that they are to carry out their filthy, anti-social and death-inducing addiction outside the fire exit, where the smoking bin is located. There is an ever growing number of cigarette butts outside the reception door, and I have noticed (on more than one occasion) that reception itself can be somewhat reminiscent of a chimney from time to time.

If staff could also politely make their guests aware that there is a designated smoking area to the side of the building, this would greatly help the cause.

Other benefits include enabling clients to locate the front door without being hindered by people and fog.

I can no longer take the motherly responsibility to remind you of this so please do take note. Except in the case of Gavin Rigby, for whom I accept total parental liability.

Thanks, El Sprengiko

a tale of two turntables

Once upon a time there was a basement, and in that basement (among other things less relevant to this story) there was a kitchen. In that kitchen there was a microwave, and in that microwave there was a turntable. The turntable was a good turntable. It turned and turned and turned until the food was cooked, and it didn't even complain when everyone ignored it, and no-one exept Mavis cleaned it. Then one day it disappeared. Perhaps it was tired of being thanklessly used and abused. It went. Gone. Suddenly a funny thing happened. People started to notice it. "Where's my turntable?" they all cried, "I miss my beautiful turntable, my food simply won't cook without it!" But it was too late, the turntable was gone forever. Now turntables being the rare utensils they are, some weeks passed, when suddenly through the letterbox came a box. In that box was some bubblewrap, and in that bubblewrap was... a NEW TURNTABLE! "What a lovely building", the turntable thought. "and what a lovely basement, what a lovely kitchen, what a lovely microwave, I think I'll be happy and snug in here..."
And so it was, the new turntable made everyone happy for almost twelve minutes. Everyone was so grateful that they had been given a second chance that they cared for and loved the turntable, through good times and bad- spillages, minor explosions and intensely heated food too. One person cried "I promise to clean your sleek porcelain surface should I ever spill my carbonara sauce on you", while another even declared "oh, turntable, if I ever break you again, I promise I'll tell Richard straight away!"
And everyone lived happily ever after. Including the turntable.

BREAKING NEWS: London 'Almost Finished'

Hello all,

As you know, I pride myself on keeping abreast of a number of 'situations' that develop in and around our working environment.

Thus, a 'situation' has indeed developed, the details of which I will pass on to you now.

It appears that the Marylebone Road (between Edgware Rd and Baker St) is due another makeover, this time of a 'High Friction' nature.

The road will be closed overnight (2030hrs - 0600hrs inclusive) between Tues 29th March and Fri 8th April, though the works may go on until Fri 15th April should the weather be unsatisfactory. A diversionary route will be in place during these hours, though normal service will resume in the daytime.

On the plus side, I have it on good authority that this is the proverbial icing on the cake, and that once completed the city of London will be 'finished'.

Thanks,

El Sprengiko.

foot rest

Hello.

Are your feet tired?

the very fragrant Sophie Newman has an all but new foot rest under her desk which she has no use for, since her feet have turned into turnips.

First come first serve hurry hurry curry.

'geeko

Work football

Despite no-one being able to count score after about two goals, the company football match was a complete success.
Highlights included John 'flying' Falcon being cynically felled in a 'premises sandwich', going to ground like 'an old lady in the snow' (Standley-ism) and pretending to bleed.
Not to be outdone in the 'serious injury' department, Shane 'octopus' Wall, named so thanks to his ability to grow extra limbs on the football field, blocked a powerful David Spencer shot with his groin.
Andy 'terrier' Peacock, a contender for man of the match, tried to go one better by carefully removing all the skin from his big toes every time he moved down the flanks.
The Falcon also proved his ability to take things too seriously by arriving with a brand new pair of shoes on, something that really impressed David Spencer.
Alex Perkins kept swapping teams, Frank Diabour spent most of the night fluctuating between intricate close ball control and unashamed shirt pulling.
Mike 'onion bag' Wood was (possibly) top scorer and wore a fetching orange shirt.
Richard Sprenger missed an open goal from about 4 yards when it would have been easier to score, while Chris Moore admitted he didn't score at all.
Jon Fanti seemed incapable of kicking the ball below head height (useful when you consider the goals were about three foot high), and everyone was spurred on by the prospect of a £10 gift voucher, especially David Standley, whose main ambition in life is to win one.
All in all it was a 'bloody good laugh' (Perkins, 2005), the game was played in 'high spirit' (ibid) and all the lads 'played well on a hard wet pitch' (ibid).
'Same time next week?' (...ibid).
Unlikely.

static shocks

Hello,

I get static shocks from everything. I feel like some kind of animal behaviour experiment. Is there something that can be done? Could the fact that the carpets are never hoovered cause my electro-shock treatment?

Jon


Hi Jon,
Your problems are related to a number of factors;

- Air pressure. Believe it or not, the amount of water in the air can increase the electric shock element of your problem. I'm afraid I can't adjust this though, without creating hurricanes in Bolivia.

-The soles of your shoes. Your shoes probably contain a nylon sole, which causes friction with the carpet and thus the shocks. Again, not much I can do about it, though perhaps you can. Try experimenting with different footwear, a pair of rubber soled shoes (eg- wellies) would be a suitable alternative. Shane also informs me that he doesn't have a problem with his converse all stars. I, on the other hand, have similar problems to yourself (even with the laminate flooring up here) with my etnies.

You could go shoeless around the office- this would also do the trick, though you may want to consult the rest of your department before unleashing your size nines on them.
You could also strap oneword journals to your feet, though this is in no way a serious suggestion.

sadly, it has nothing to do with the state of the carpets, but the material.

Best of Luck in your quest, I will now close this ticket with my conscience clear.

Sprengiko!

Fridges

Dear All,
It would be greatly appreciated if all the fridges could be cleared out over the Christmas period, as having spent a great deal of time in their company over the last few months, I am quite sure there are products within their doors that are no longer of suitable edibility (and the short break is a perfect opportunity to remedy this).
N.B. This does not apply to those whose food resides in the basement fridge, as a currently unknown saboteur has rendered most of the food to the dustbin, thanks to an open carton of milk and an angle of 90 degrees.
Apologies if your food is missing in the morning, but someone covered it in cow juice.
Thank you for your time,
Sprengiko

QQQ Anyone seen my tape measure?

It's chunky and silvery and answers to the name Troy...

correct toilet usage

Dear all,

It has come to my attention that certain persons (presumably male) are misusing the building's toilets, namely by urinating on the floor.
I would like to take this opportunity to draw your attention to the bowl shaped construction that lines the far wall of all our bathrooms. This is a toilet. All are in full working order, but can only dispose of waste fluids if aforementioned fluids are directed more precisely towards aforementioned bowl. 'Close to' or indeed 'nearby' will just not do.
Please take note of this email, the cleaners are becoming increasingly concerned with this issue and I would imagine it's really not a nice thing to have to clean up.
A happy cleaner is cleaner happiness.

Many thanks.

El Sprengiko

water

Hi all,
as you no doubt know, we have 2 different types of water vending bottles delivered each week, triangular ones and circular ones.
The tri-bottles are bought specifically for reception and UFL, as they have the posh LCD screen vending machines that look nice for all the celebrities queuing to be rehydrated and cleansed.
The cheaper yet larger circular bottles do not fit onto the tri-vendors or look as pretty, and are specifically bought for all other floors.
Please only replenish your water supply with the appropriate shaped bottle (obviously if available), the water inside is exactly the same and this will ensure that our tri-vendors are never without water.
Thanks.

Marylebone Road Newspiece

MARYLEBONE ROAD IN CARRIAGE RESURFACING SHOCKER!!!

Since it's inception back in 1542 the A501 has been eternally shrouded in controversy, and today's announcement will do nothing to quieten the public's mounting despair on the issue.
As the main traffic route between the Edgware Road and Baker Street, the road has suffered in the past from neglect and an increase in 'motorised vehicle damage', and will therefore be closed between the above points while major resurfacing works involving workmen, noise and tar, take place.
A spokesperson said; "Works begin on Monday 11th October, and should be complete on Friday 22nd October".
Under pressure, he later added; "I must stress, however, that the following week up to and including Friday 29th October is held as a reserve in case of delays and disruptions to the work programme".
An onlooker onlooked; "This is an outrage".
Another more consistently educated bystander commented; "The key question here is surely 'how will the good car drivers of UBC media get in to work?'" To which an answer was given alluding to an enforced diversionary route during work hours.
Mr John Baish, a well-known anti-road-surfacing campaigner, denied comment on whether his frequent forays into Marylebone would become more sporadic.
Busty babe Tiffany (pictured overleaf) said " I love sweaty men with big tools".

front door

Operating instructions for front door (please read prior to discarding)

It has come to my attention that more problems are invariably occuring when accessing the building via the front door. After tapping in the code, one is often confronted with a low-pitched buzzing, which fails to release the lock mechanism and allow forward access. Similarly to release the lock you are often required to pull the door slightly in a backward direction, before making the final push for entry, as an out-and-out forward attack may bear no fruit if the lock is jammed.
The metaphorical key to this door is patience, which when liberally applied to the entry system guarantees a happy conclusion, whilst care in releasing the door upon entry and not neglecting it to slam shut is a good way of ensuring no further damage
is done to the lock which may inhibit future access and general use.
Please adhere to these new operating instructions for the door, basically a
more gentle version of the system we currently apply, which will add seconds to your
entry turnaround but crucial years to the life of the door.
'He who shuts doors appropriately doth sit on cushions in heaven' (Keats,
circa 1567)
Thank you.

mini-centrefeed hand towels

Dear all,
There comes a time in every man's life when he despairs of hand-towel inconsistencies.
Now, for me, is that time.
Unfortunately our most recent delivery of the aforementioned towels came with an inner roll diameter of 80mm, as opposed to the usual order of 60mm. Sadly our disposable tissue stockists are out of stock for the forseeable future and thus we will have to make do with these ill fitting replacements for the time being.
They can still, with minimal extra effort, be slotted into their dispensers with relative ease, so I ask if the people who actually do replace these towels on a regular basis could both ensure they are not overly fazed by this increase in size.
The good news is we get slightly more towel for our money, so please use this extra length wisely.
Regards,
Sprengiko

P.S. If anyone does requirte a tutorial into the correct replacement method
please contact me and I will endeavour to run through the details at a mutually
convenient time.

New Fridge

From time to time in my job of high importance I have to send emails of abuse to full grown adults...

Dear all,
I am pleased to announce that the new fridge has been delivered and is now up and running and waiting to cool your food. Please make every effort to ensure that the fridge is well looked after, as maintenance checks will be made on a regular basis, and unclaimed food may be thrown out. If you clearly label your own food in an appropriate
manner (perhaps using your name) you will be consulted before food is removed. Treat this fridge as your friend and it will reward you, treat it as a slave and it will revolt.
Thank you,
Sprengiko.

Do you know how interesting your friends are?

My good friend 'Picto' wrote to me so I wouldn't forget how cool I was. Or something...

Hi,
Sprengiko...
...how are you?

I keep meaning to tell you this but I've been waiting and monitoring it over the past few weeks. Basically, every time I speak to one of the other guys you normally come up in conversation, kind of like this:

friend A: "Did you get Rich's latest e-mail?"
friend B: "Yeah, I think so. What was it about?"
friend A: "It was really funny, he's, um. It was bloody funny anyway."
friend B: "Yeah, I remeber. It was really funny."
friend A: "The way he writes, so funny."
friend B: "So what you up to this weekend, fancy doing something?"
friend A: "Yeah, probably. I'm easy"
friend B: "Guess I'll see you then, then."

Anyway, anyway, anyway (get those fuckers out the way to save starting all my paragraphs with anyway). Anyway, good to hear you've been sleeping with girls - it's the technicallities that don't count - 'sleeping with' 'smeaching with' who cares. CR sounds good - how hot is it out there at the moment?

I'm going to St. Lucia next week for ten days - don't know if you fancy rowing over or something? Preferably not, but the offer's valid.

I haven't really got a lot else to say - just letting you know that you're being thought of and that there'll be lots to do when you're back.

Merry cuntmous x

Important Warning (!)

I usually don't forward these but this is pretty important. Don't get caught out:

Send this warning to everyone you know, it is apparently happening all over the South.


IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR NIPPLES.

DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR NIPPLES.

THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NIPPLES.

I wish I'd seen this email yesterday..
I feel so stupid.