Totally Locally Poetry

Here is some poetry wot me and old Nymph of the Grot wrote in the pub the other day. Yeah.

Old ladies in cardies repeat what they say,
When conversing on the subject of All Saint Shaznay.
They argue over whether she out-sung Mel Blatt,
Only agreeing on the poor vocals from the Appletons - Nic & Nat.

The issue of impotence enters their talk,
They speak candidly of sex, making their grandkids balk.
It's Barry, Pat's husband, that comes up the most,
His erectile dysfunction she likens to soggy toast.
Sharon pipes up with "It happens to the best of 'em",
Pat replies "I could handle the worst, so show me the rest of 'em".

But Christine, who's been sitting in silence,
Gets her kicks from glamourised violence:
"I don't care if it's turgid or floppy,
I'd rather watch TV with some red pesto gnocchi.
Her eyes say it all as they dart round the room,
Looking for someone to play big spoon.

The ladies go quiet, wondering who will 'fess up next,
Roger's wife Deborah admits "I've never been sexed".
Lyndsay Ramirez, the Albanian Jew says;
"I'll show you a good time, why not become a lez?"