abundant: The Showreel

abundant are an excellent multimedia company. This is what they do.



Now call them up and offer them money!

The best newspaper headlines, ever!

The definitive list, as decided by... ahem... me.

Afghanistan!

So I went to Afghanistan, with The S*n, to video the troops. Below are links to some of my videos...

On Patrol in Kandahar

Operation Blue Sword

Trapped in Sniper Alley

The Seige of Marjah School

Mission Complete!

The Paramount Picture Show

Episode 1



Featuring - Watchmen, Tales of the Black Freighter, Eagle Eye, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, Ghost Town & I Love You, Man.

Merry Christmas from abundant

Abundant: a lovely company wot I work for yeah?

Here's the Christmas newsletter

The Love Guru (Part 3)

Dating editorial

Q) Aside from dinner and the cinema, what would be a good first date idea?

A) The best place for a first date, including dinner and the cinema, is a visit to the Dangals, for a spot of Pehlwani wrestling. Like other contact sports, wrestling makes for extremely erotic viewing, and will certainly put your woman of choice into the desired mood for what you have planned later on.
Hanging out down at the Dangals you can indulge in a small samosa snack, while the ancient traditions are played out before your very eyes like dinosaurs in codpieces, mating to classical music. This is a potent seduction technique designed to put you in position to take all the points.

Later in the evening, try some wrestling of your own. First, enter the ring of love. It is customary at this point to mark your territory with excrement. Then, in some cultures, it is customary to take the virginity of your pets, though I would never advise in actually carrying this out.

Home Pehlwani is a Rare Opportunity for Personal Exchange (ROPE). Get your girl on the R.O.P.E. and she will be yours for the taking. If she gets you on the R.O.P.E. then the roles will be reversed. Although the outcome will be similar, it will still damage your masculinity and thus your reputation amongst friends.

In the next step you should attempt to knock her out, or even get her knockers out. Either way you will have succeeded at hitting your first date target, and should be very proud of your efforts (unless you really did mark your territory with excrement, in which case you may as well have slept with the guinea pig you dirty, dirty man).

Q) I’ve been dating my girlfriend for four weeks now and the subject of sex has come up but I have a complex about my ‘lil fella’. How do I address the issue?

A) Dwarves should not be kept as pets, or forced to indulge in sexual activity purely to fulfil your own twisted fetishes.
Besides, what is so wrong with him anyway, that you feel ashamed to bring him up with your chosen bed buddy? Despite their size, dwarves are complex. They have emotions, opinions and a low centre of gravity. Have you ever tried to manoeuvre a dwarf? It’s hard work and almost entirely fruitless, as if you had asked them nicely they would likely have manoeuvrered themselves in an acceptable manner anyway. Reward them with a pint of Guinness.

The first step towards your bizarre goal is acceptance. Accept who you are, accept who your dwarf is. Find the middle ground. This is likely to be around five foot two.

Next, approach your woman -- begin with an introductory film. For this I would suggest Willow, Time Bandits, or anything with Dudley Moore in, or (if you’re feeling adventurous), the adult movie Snow White and the Three Dwarves. Gauge her response to the films; this will give you a good idea of how turned on she will become at the prospect of being pleasured by a pygmy.

Next, to dinner. Try cooking whitebait, baby corn, button mushrooms and cocktail sausages. Does she like your treat, or does she demand the cod, the cob, the portobello and the frankfurter? This will also give an indication of how she might savour stature scarcity.

Other things to try:
-Taking her for a drive in a hatchback
-Buying her a microscope, thimble or ant farm
-Discuss keyhole surgery (but for a short time only)

The bottom line is this: Despite their unimpressive stature, dwarves have notoriously large genitalia. And I should know. Hang on… I think I’ve just understood what you meant…

Q) I really fancy my mate’s ex. She is so hot and I know she likes me, but it might hurt my friend. Should I just go for it?

A) This question is best answered anagrammatically. An anagram of ‘mate’s ex’ is ‘team sex’.

Team sex can be enjoyable, informative, surprising and of course competitive, but don’t let this put you off. Without competition, sport is merely a game, and very few people find whist arousing. Other types of game include pheasant, grouse and wild boar. None of these are arousing either, so I think we can rule out game.

First you need to convince both parties that team sex is the way to tackle this issue. Don’t spend too long thinking of the tackle though; it will likely put you right off the idea.
The tricky thing now is convincing someone who is already hot that they should take part in what is ultimately exercise, designed to increase the heart rate and make her warmer still.

To combat this, use ice. And what is ice? I.C.E. is Intercourse Cooling Equipment. Have a great deal of I.C.E. ready for the hot girl when she arrives for the team sex. She will be very grateful and display this physically.
Then all you need to do is hope that your friend doesn’t turn up for practice. Your team may now be one player short, but he has forfeited the game. Now you must make sure you put in a strong performance, to hide the fact that you are a man down. If all goes to plan the hot girl will neither notice nor care that her ex is not taking part, and he will be relegated to the substitute bench once more, while you will be the team’s star player, and win the desired trophy.

---

If you seek further enlightenment watch THE LOVE GURU movie film, at cinemas from August 1st. But not before then, as he’s currently sunbathing in a cave.

The Love Guru (Part 2)

Part Two: Sex Editorial

Q) How can I turn a work colleague into a lover?

A) There is an old saying that states: “What are work colleagues if not lovers in linen suits?”

It’s not a view I subscribe to.

The type of person who wears linen suits is best kept as a colleague, or better still thrown from a high building into a low tide. But who builds flats on cliff edges in these spiritually enlightened times?

If this colleague is in a different league - perhaps she wears sexy nylons and glasses on the tip of her nose, spending much of the day sat on your desk crossing and uncrossing her legs - then the only sensible option is to promote her to the league of love.

So how do you do this?

You have to show her you’re worth more careful consideration than a scattering of stapled memos and sporadic flirtatious emails. Let’s up the stationary ante. Striped paperclips are a talking point, and strategically placed business cards a constant reminder of your lustful craving.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ better than a witty comment on the back of a business card in indelible pen. Don’t use a dry wipe marker as your wishes will be washed away by the uncontrollable palm sweat of your wanted woman, leaving her with nothing but the memory of what could have been and a rather mucky paw.

I am, of course, assuming your business card is laminated, as all good business cards should be, and the temperature soars higher than the photocopier room when you’re laminating your loved one’s expenses forms for use later on at home.

Remember to tip-ex out any traces of such behaviour before the boss arrives, otherwise you’ll find yourself on the fast track to the recruitment consultant’s. Unless you’re already a recruitment consultant, in which case I advise you to think carefully about entering a relationship before you imprison your unborn child into such homogenous professional parentage.


Q) I used to enjoy sex with my girlfriend but now she just wants it all of the time and I don’t have the stamina. I don’t want to lose her – what should I do?

A) Sexual stamina shouldn’t scare, it should be shared. Don’t be afraid of passing your girlfriend on to some of your less attractive mates once you have had your fill, for a mutually suitable price. A good way to remember this is to Sell to Less Attractive Guys – S.L.A.G. her.

This is one of the few sex situations where everyone is a winner – you because your problem is solved, your girlfriend because she gets to experience other lovers (and be grateful only to you), and your mates because they get to sample the delights of the girl of their dreams (you don’t think they’re friends with you because they actually like you, do you?)

Other ways to decrease sexual appetite (though each case is not without its side-effects) include:

- Becoming fascinated with the inner workings of 1930s German fascism. Buy yourself some appropriately themed military regalia and start quoting from Mein Kampf.

- Breaking wind - and laughing heartily about it - when naked. This works well when in a public place, such as a commuter train or stock exchange.

- Growing a beard and keeping large deposits of mackerel stew within its mangled fuzz.

- Beginning every sentence with “As David Icke would say…”

- Giving her what she really wants – a baby. Once a baby has arrived you will find very little time for arousal, particularly when dealing with nappies.

Finally, if you’re really not getting anywhere, try P.E.A.S. - Putting Everything Above Sex.

P.E.A.S. are a very good way of getting rid of the horn.


Q) What’s the best way to approach a girlfriend about having a threesome without getting slapped?

A) Approach her from her weaker side – this way if she does decide to slap at least it will be with her more pathetic wrist.

Also approach with a smile, a smile goes a long way – approximately 5miles. See what I did there? My karma is huge, but you have the power to do it too! Try it at home before entering the public domain and trying it there. Rehearsing before your opening night can save much embarrassment – you will know your lines, come on in correct costume and utilise the appropriate props. If your rehearsal time is poor, there can be no encore.

But what is a slap anyway?

A S.L.A.P. is a Stray Limb Attacking People. Often S.L.A.P.s are not the work of the limb’s owner, and thus the owner should not be personally punished purely for the work of their anarchic right arm.

Instead, try to understand her disorder, as it is likely this version of limb tourettes will feel alien to her as well. And if someone is not in control of their right arm, it follows that they will be in no place to discredit the use of a third person in matters of a sexual nature. It also follows that they may at some point have had a stroke. Check for signs of dribblng.

In short - If your girlfriend does slap you, it is likely she will actually be more susceptible to a ménage a trois, as she will have more pressing matters on her plate than to worry about the triviality of a third person in the sack.

Unless she speaks French, of course, in which case there is no K is sac, and she’ll know all about threesomes and will already be quite sure of whether she wants one or not. As will you.

Finally, remember that some people enjoy the slap itself - particularly the Mosley Slap - and will think of ever more alarming ways of getting their sexual kicks from one, sometimes involving up to eight people in a slap orgy.

---

If you seek further enlightenment watch THE LOVE GURU movie film, at cinemas from August 1st. But not before then, as he’s currently on safari in Liverpool.

The Love Guru (Part 1)

The film turned out to be rubbish, but I got to write some stuff in the guise of Guru Pitka - Mike Myers' character from The Love Guru.

Which was fun, and received a very mixed response...

CHEATING editorial...

Q) Early on in our relationship I cheated on my girlfriend of five years with one of her friends. Now that we’re engaged the guilt is killing me. I don’t want to lose her, what should I do?

A) Like Darlington, death by guilt is not a happy place for you to be, particularly at night. Don’t kill yourself – kill the guilt. Bludgeon it in the back of the head with an axe if needs be – better men than you will have done so in the past and lived to tell the tale.

Hide no longer under your quilt of guilt, for you will soon find it to be eaten by the moths of truth. And moths operate at night, when there is only the moon for guidance. And what is a moon? A M.O.O.N. is a Moth Operational Ordnance Navigator.
Never trust the M.O.O.N.

Instead try pushing the guilt aside with gifts. And what are gifts? G.I.F.T.S. are Girlfriend Incentives For Tempting Sex, and will guarantee your conscience clears in direct relation to your declining bank balance.

But if guilt can be bought, what price do you put on your girlfriend? Over 1000 pounds would potentially price you out of the market. Less than ten pounds (with or without the customary bucket of mud) would raise serious questions about her sanitation levels. But price her somewhere in between and I’m listening. All I request is a photograph of her inner thigh and a seven-day return clause.

So, where are you in relation to your headspace now? And how far away has the guilt become in relation to the moths? Guilt isn’t a relation of the moths, but butterflies are, and ‘butter flies’ is simply the incarnate rage of an angry dessert chef, upon realising someone has stolen his self-raising flour and he’ll have to make do with a plain flour / cornflower combination instead. This will add precious minutes to his cooking time and seriously jeopardise the growth of his Victoria sponge.

The bottom line is this: If you can’t take the heat, don’t be a cheat. TM.

Q) I’m convinced my girlfriend is cheating with her ex, but I’m afraid that if I’m wrong she won’t forgive me, but if I’m right I’ll be devastated. How do I approach this?

A) For this problem I would suggest challenging your love rival to a game of four-finger truth spoons.

Firstly, lure him into your honey pot like an obese bee, perhaps using your girlfriend as a foil. But not a tin foil as she won’t take kindly to being wrapped around a potato and bunged in the barbecue. She will likely not mind one bit if you distract her with some sufficiently salacious celebrity gossip that no woman is immune to.

When the ex is within range (ideally around ten feet away) you will take your truth spoon and allow it to dance its merry jig into the eyes of the enemy. The jig will take roughly five to six minutes depending on how much of a flourish your spoon is able to conjure up after an exhausting routine. It’s quite a sight to behold from afar, but at around ten feet the game activates a highly potent truth chemical called Geranium Ultra-Ferrous Formula, G.U.F.F.

And this is the point at which you will find your answer. If the enemy makes a move on your girlfriend, freeing her from her obsessive fame spell with a kiss that makes a thousand swallows sing, there is a good chance your fears have been confirmed. If he stands for a while, seemingly dazed by your spoon groove and not committing to any form of action, then you’ll have some explaining to do.

This game works very well on a Tuesday. Ironically all ten fingers and thumbs must be used to launch your spoon – the misleading four-fingered title was created by the game’s founder, the chaste Guru Hathasmalvena, after he started showing signs of an unknown disease with all the hallmarks of syphilis.

But I digress. If all else fails, stalk her in a tan trench coat.

Q) I’ve met the girl of my dreams but I’m worried about her reputation as someone with a very healthy sexual appetite – how do you ask a girl about her sexual history?

A) Buy her dinner first. All difficult questions are softened by alligator soup.

If she truly is the girl of your dreams you must check you are definitely awake, do this by kicking yourself in the shin and checking for pain. P.A.I.N. is Personal Anger Internalised Now, so you’ll feel it immediately if you’re awake. P.A.I.N. is also what you’ll feel if, once your consciousness is confirmed, your girlfriend admits her gateway is often open, allowing many traders through to the love market.

The antidote to P.A.I.N. is to Negate the Unnecessary Mental Burden. N.U.M.B. yourself, and things will seem much better, like when you have to sedate an attention deficit adolescent who won’t stop throwing chairs around but you over-do the dosage and they end up behaving like a lobotomised koala for days on end.

How to N.U.M.B. yourself?

Remember that a healthy sexual appetite is above all healthy, like a bowl of fruit. An unhealthy sexual appetite is above all unhealthy, like being trapped in a cupboard with a Nazi. This will always lead to illness, closing the door on inner peace.

Try instead to change your attitude to sexual history. Many people will have made a pass at your girlfriend, but that is in the past. History is also something that sits comfortably in the past, and there is a big gap between the past and the future known as the present. The best present of all is trust. Closely followed by a holiday, but not a cheap cruise where your cabin has no windows.

Trust will fill your heart tummy with all the nourishment required to get past the past.

Mariska Hargitay.

---

If you seek further enlightenment watch THE LOVE GURU movie film, at cinemas from August 1st. But not before then, as he’s currently on an all-expenses-paid skiing holiday in Amsterdam.

abundant

Abundant is a small new company specialising in radio and online film promotions. But we have many more strings to our bow. Have a look at the website to find out more, book us, and make us rich.

Or at least less poor...

Green Man Festival Part Two

So it got dark...

But never fear, my new video camera has NIGHTVISION!

Everyone looked a bit weird but we carried on regardless.

In this next short video, Picto and Nymph of the Grot get in-depth and existensial about the highs and lows of festival bar work. It is also perhaps of note that they do so in a tent.

Hi team!

just a(nother) reminder to switch things off at the end of the day. It really doesn't take long, and helps conserve your unborn grandchildren!

I have drawn up a table to show how this works:

Switching things off = less energy used = less of a strain on environment = longer life expectancy of planet = conservation of unborn grandchildren.

I know its a bit convoluted, but the point remains, please try and turn off your computers and screens.

Thank you.

Edit suite window…

...was left open all weekend...

Fortunately it looks like all that has gone missing is the gold bullion I had stashed in my drawer and a selection of Dale's smudged signed photos. If whoever left the window open could reimburse me to the tune of £10,000,000 I would be most grateful.

Thanks.

'May the fourth be with you'

No, it's not a Jedi with a lisp (Jedi's aren't allowed lisps- it goes against Lucasfilm protocol), but the very splendid UTPC social, a quiz night to end all quiz nights complete with questions, answers and monkeys with freakishly long fingers. Please remember to let Fiona know if you intend to attend and come down to the basement of 54 on the night having spent the previous evening memorising Hungarian folk songs, Preston North End's championship winning side of 1889 and Yiddish slang.

Alcohol will be available on request.

Dear all

I am saddened and distressed to have to compose this email. This week production's daily copies of 'The Mirror' newspaper have routinely vanished before 9am (one having turned up in the 1st floor mens' toilet!)

Our cherished newspapers are available for all to enjoy, but I would ask that you return them to us once you have borrowed them so that we too can revel in their tabloid glory. Alternatively, why not make use of our state-of-the-art breakfast bar, where you might catch a glimpse of stars like Oneword's Frank Stirling, peeping out from his natural literary environment.

I have stopped crying now.

Hello team

Today's channel 4 meeting has been rescheduled for 12pm due to unforeseen circumstances involving pistachio nuts.

Thanks.

couriers

If anyone is booking a bike / car today, please phone Susie as her computer is on fire.

As if proof was needed...

...of my production-assistant-to-the-stars status, let me quickly provide you with the following evidence;

1. Last Friday I fielded a call (on the mobile!) from one Michael Winner. The call lasted almost a full minute, in which time Michael managed to Call Me By Name, do a short impression of his Esure advert, and accidentally hang up before saying goodbye! Michael and I are Now Firm Friends.

2. On Wednesday I was invited to one Floella Benjamin's house for a cup of tea. She told me all about running marathons without so much as a prompt! She also mentioned some stuff about The Mikado, shook my hand twice and even exchanged a joke with me when I had to leave (pressing work). Floella and I are Now Firm Friends.

3. On Thursday one Melanie Sykes held a door open for me. In this time I very nearly Established Eye Contact. Melanie and I are Now Firm Friends. (I'm embarrassed to say there is also a Fair Amount Of Chemistry, at least on her part).

4. Today I fielded a call from one Sir Tim Rice. He also Called Me By Name (and claimed I'd emailed him - I hadn't, but I didn't let on). He wanted me to interview him but As I Am So Busy I asked if Adrian Edwards might do it instead. Sir Tim seemed a little disappointed but Hid This Magnificently. Sir Tim and I are Now Firm Friends.

5. Oh, and yesterday Paul Blezard called me Doctor Sprengiko. Despite my lack of Formal Medical Qualifications.

Thank you for your time, must dash, The Ivy beckons.

Small amendment.

Hi all,

just a quick one to let you know I have changed my name to KERRY LUTER, to save money on business cards.

thanks,

Kerry Luter.

Rejoice!

The print cartridges have arrived and are in place to cater for all your second floor black & white printing needs.

The great chocolate swindle

At 16.14hrs on Thursday 11th August 2005 a shocking discovery was made in the commercial department of UBC. A boost chocolate bar realised it had been eaten. Moments later and it had managed to alert Denise, who after careful consideration over appropriate weaponry for revenge, decided on the group email over the comedy custard pie (too ‘Quinny’). Anna was typically the first to acknowledge developments, releasing a customary shriek of horror at the news (that was executed with finesse).
Sixteen thousand years later my computer clicked into gear, and opened the offending email. Hmmm… depressing stuff… how should I react? Admitting it wasn’t me to the entire company would be pretty hilarious… no; I should definitely blame someone… hmmm… who guarantees a smile? Gavin Rigby, that’s who…
Suddenly my inbox chugs to life, an email, from Roseann… interesting… WHAT? El Sprengiko did it? HE DID NOT! I send my Gavin Rigby email straight away and sit back looking cool.
The Phone rings. It’s Denise. I give Roseann a terrifying look of menace for good measure and pick up the receiver.
“Ted says he saw you eat a boost”
“HE DID NOT!” I reply (for some reason in the third person rather than in reference to Ted). I don’t remember the rest of the conversation - suffice to say nobody swore, and that telephones were involved.
Now the emails were really flying in, Wainwright adding yet more hilarity to the cause. Theresa, pretending to be working, brings ammunition to the debate. ‘Does anyone have any large jiffy bags? I need two!’ Two? An elaborate hoax indeed. Quick as a flash, Roseann replied once more. This should be good... WHAT??? HE DID NOT!!!
Then Denise stokes the flames. This is getting out of hand. I grab my emergency apple and tap away. Sacrificing an apple is clearly the only means of averting a potential hostage situation, of which I have had enough first hand experience to know it’s a pretty bad idea. Apples are also one of the more reliable devices for comedy email gags (For reference, others include ‘horticulture’, ‘chicken and leek soup’ and ‘groin’).
More emails arrived, all nearly as funny! What a great day this was; one from Shane, from John, from Dave, ‘Gout’? brilliant. Add that to my list.
Slowly, sadly, it became apparent we had reached our peak. No amount of electronic interwebbing would bring our beloved boost back. All that was to be done was to sit and wait for the UI guys to catch on. Which they duly did twenty minutes later, Billy coming in from the risky ‘peanuts’ angle with aplomb, whilst Matt inevitably claimed absence - this kind of thing just doesn’t happen when Matt’s around.
The production floor was, by this point, enjoying something of a carnival atmosphere; Lucy had erected a maypole, Emily was spinning some phat tunes, and Charlotte, ever the consummate fête professional, began slicing her homemade rhubarb quiche onto matching Ikea saucers.
This collective outburst of excitement cheapened the moment somewhat, so I returned to my work, with dignity intact, three slices later.
Just one thing was bothering me. Who was the mystery muncher? I took a sip from my chicken and leek soup, and got out my encyclopaedia. I first looked up horticulture, turns out its about grass. Then, with one final roll of the dice, I looked up the symptoms of gout…

franking

Hi all,

as you may have discovered, fisrt class standard mail has seen a price increase of 2p up to 30p this week.

however...

for franked mail the price is actually now 29p (an increase AND a saving of 1p) the new chip I have fitted to the scales is therefore correct. Please do not frank your first class letters at 30p.

This is VERY important.

Thank you

'geeko

QQQ - Smoking

Hi Everyone,

Please could I remind staff smokers that they are to carry out their filthy, anti-social and death-inducing addiction outside the fire exit, where the smoking bin is located. There is an ever growing number of cigarette butts outside the reception door, and I have noticed (on more than one occasion) that reception itself can be somewhat reminiscent of a chimney from time to time.

If staff could also politely make their guests aware that there is a designated smoking area to the side of the building, this would greatly help the cause.

Other benefits include enabling clients to locate the front door without being hindered by people and fog.

I can no longer take the motherly responsibility to remind you of this so please do take note. Except in the case of Gavin Rigby, for whom I accept total parental liability.

Thanks, El Sprengiko

a tale of two turntables

Once upon a time there was a basement, and in that basement (among other things less relevant to this story) there was a kitchen. In that kitchen there was a microwave, and in that microwave there was a turntable. The turntable was a good turntable. It turned and turned and turned until the food was cooked, and it didn't even complain when everyone ignored it, and no-one exept Mavis cleaned it. Then one day it disappeared. Perhaps it was tired of being thanklessly used and abused. It went. Gone. Suddenly a funny thing happened. People started to notice it. "Where's my turntable?" they all cried, "I miss my beautiful turntable, my food simply won't cook without it!" But it was too late, the turntable was gone forever. Now turntables being the rare utensils they are, some weeks passed, when suddenly through the letterbox came a box. In that box was some bubblewrap, and in that bubblewrap was... a NEW TURNTABLE! "What a lovely building", the turntable thought. "and what a lovely basement, what a lovely kitchen, what a lovely microwave, I think I'll be happy and snug in here..."
And so it was, the new turntable made everyone happy for almost twelve minutes. Everyone was so grateful that they had been given a second chance that they cared for and loved the turntable, through good times and bad- spillages, minor explosions and intensely heated food too. One person cried "I promise to clean your sleek porcelain surface should I ever spill my carbonara sauce on you", while another even declared "oh, turntable, if I ever break you again, I promise I'll tell Richard straight away!"
And everyone lived happily ever after. Including the turntable.

BREAKING NEWS: London 'Almost Finished'

Hello all,

As you know, I pride myself on keeping abreast of a number of 'situations' that develop in and around our working environment.

Thus, a 'situation' has indeed developed, the details of which I will pass on to you now.

It appears that the Marylebone Road (between Edgware Rd and Baker St) is due another makeover, this time of a 'High Friction' nature.

The road will be closed overnight (2030hrs - 0600hrs inclusive) between Tues 29th March and Fri 8th April, though the works may go on until Fri 15th April should the weather be unsatisfactory. A diversionary route will be in place during these hours, though normal service will resume in the daytime.

On the plus side, I have it on good authority that this is the proverbial icing on the cake, and that once completed the city of London will be 'finished'.

Thanks,

El Sprengiko.

foot rest

Hello.

Are your feet tired?

the very fragrant Sophie Newman has an all but new foot rest under her desk which she has no use for, since her feet have turned into turnips.

First come first serve hurry hurry curry.

'geeko

Work football

Despite no-one being able to count score after about two goals, the company football match was a complete success.
Highlights included John 'flying' Falcon being cynically felled in a 'premises sandwich', going to ground like 'an old lady in the snow' (Standley-ism) and pretending to bleed.
Not to be outdone in the 'serious injury' department, Shane 'octopus' Wall, named so thanks to his ability to grow extra limbs on the football field, blocked a powerful David Spencer shot with his groin.
Andy 'terrier' Peacock, a contender for man of the match, tried to go one better by carefully removing all the skin from his big toes every time he moved down the flanks.
The Falcon also proved his ability to take things too seriously by arriving with a brand new pair of shoes on, something that really impressed David Spencer.
Alex Perkins kept swapping teams, Frank Diabour spent most of the night fluctuating between intricate close ball control and unashamed shirt pulling.
Mike 'onion bag' Wood was (possibly) top scorer and wore a fetching orange shirt.
Richard Sprenger missed an open goal from about 4 yards when it would have been easier to score, while Chris Moore admitted he didn't score at all.
Jon Fanti seemed incapable of kicking the ball below head height (useful when you consider the goals were about three foot high), and everyone was spurred on by the prospect of a £10 gift voucher, especially David Standley, whose main ambition in life is to win one.
All in all it was a 'bloody good laugh' (Perkins, 2005), the game was played in 'high spirit' (ibid) and all the lads 'played well on a hard wet pitch' (ibid).
'Same time next week?' (...ibid).
Unlikely.

static shocks

Hello,

I get static shocks from everything. I feel like some kind of animal behaviour experiment. Is there something that can be done? Could the fact that the carpets are never hoovered cause my electro-shock treatment?

Jon


Hi Jon,
Your problems are related to a number of factors;

- Air pressure. Believe it or not, the amount of water in the air can increase the electric shock element of your problem. I'm afraid I can't adjust this though, without creating hurricanes in Bolivia.

-The soles of your shoes. Your shoes probably contain a nylon sole, which causes friction with the carpet and thus the shocks. Again, not much I can do about it, though perhaps you can. Try experimenting with different footwear, a pair of rubber soled shoes (eg- wellies) would be a suitable alternative. Shane also informs me that he doesn't have a problem with his converse all stars. I, on the other hand, have similar problems to yourself (even with the laminate flooring up here) with my etnies.

You could go shoeless around the office- this would also do the trick, though you may want to consult the rest of your department before unleashing your size nines on them.
You could also strap oneword journals to your feet, though this is in no way a serious suggestion.

sadly, it has nothing to do with the state of the carpets, but the material.

Best of Luck in your quest, I will now close this ticket with my conscience clear.

Sprengiko!

Fridges

Dear All,
It would be greatly appreciated if all the fridges could be cleared out over the Christmas period, as having spent a great deal of time in their company over the last few months, I am quite sure there are products within their doors that are no longer of suitable edibility (and the short break is a perfect opportunity to remedy this).
N.B. This does not apply to those whose food resides in the basement fridge, as a currently unknown saboteur has rendered most of the food to the dustbin, thanks to an open carton of milk and an angle of 90 degrees.
Apologies if your food is missing in the morning, but someone covered it in cow juice.
Thank you for your time,
Sprengiko

QQQ Anyone seen my tape measure?

It's chunky and silvery and answers to the name Troy...

correct toilet usage

Dear all,

It has come to my attention that certain persons (presumably male) are misusing the building's toilets, namely by urinating on the floor.
I would like to take this opportunity to draw your attention to the bowl shaped construction that lines the far wall of all our bathrooms. This is a toilet. All are in full working order, but can only dispose of waste fluids if aforementioned fluids are directed more precisely towards aforementioned bowl. 'Close to' or indeed 'nearby' will just not do.
Please take note of this email, the cleaners are becoming increasingly concerned with this issue and I would imagine it's really not a nice thing to have to clean up.
A happy cleaner is cleaner happiness.

Many thanks.

El Sprengiko

water

Hi all,
as you no doubt know, we have 2 different types of water vending bottles delivered each week, triangular ones and circular ones.
The tri-bottles are bought specifically for reception and UFL, as they have the posh LCD screen vending machines that look nice for all the celebrities queuing to be rehydrated and cleansed.
The cheaper yet larger circular bottles do not fit onto the tri-vendors or look as pretty, and are specifically bought for all other floors.
Please only replenish your water supply with the appropriate shaped bottle (obviously if available), the water inside is exactly the same and this will ensure that our tri-vendors are never without water.
Thanks.

Marylebone Road Newspiece

MARYLEBONE ROAD IN CARRIAGE RESURFACING SHOCKER!!!

Since it's inception back in 1542 the A501 has been eternally shrouded in controversy, and today's announcement will do nothing to quieten the public's mounting despair on the issue.
As the main traffic route between the Edgware Road and Baker Street, the road has suffered in the past from neglect and an increase in 'motorised vehicle damage', and will therefore be closed between the above points while major resurfacing works involving workmen, noise and tar, take place.
A spokesperson said; "Works begin on Monday 11th October, and should be complete on Friday 22nd October".
Under pressure, he later added; "I must stress, however, that the following week up to and including Friday 29th October is held as a reserve in case of delays and disruptions to the work programme".
An onlooker onlooked; "This is an outrage".
Another more consistently educated bystander commented; "The key question here is surely 'how will the good car drivers of UBC media get in to work?'" To which an answer was given alluding to an enforced diversionary route during work hours.
Mr John Baish, a well-known anti-road-surfacing campaigner, denied comment on whether his frequent forays into Marylebone would become more sporadic.
Busty babe Tiffany (pictured overleaf) said " I love sweaty men with big tools".

front door

Operating instructions for front door (please read prior to discarding)

It has come to my attention that more problems are invariably occuring when accessing the building via the front door. After tapping in the code, one is often confronted with a low-pitched buzzing, which fails to release the lock mechanism and allow forward access. Similarly to release the lock you are often required to pull the door slightly in a backward direction, before making the final push for entry, as an out-and-out forward attack may bear no fruit if the lock is jammed.
The metaphorical key to this door is patience, which when liberally applied to the entry system guarantees a happy conclusion, whilst care in releasing the door upon entry and not neglecting it to slam shut is a good way of ensuring no further damage
is done to the lock which may inhibit future access and general use.
Please adhere to these new operating instructions for the door, basically a
more gentle version of the system we currently apply, which will add seconds to your
entry turnaround but crucial years to the life of the door.
'He who shuts doors appropriately doth sit on cushions in heaven' (Keats,
circa 1567)
Thank you.

mini-centrefeed hand towels

Dear all,
There comes a time in every man's life when he despairs of hand-towel inconsistencies.
Now, for me, is that time.
Unfortunately our most recent delivery of the aforementioned towels came with an inner roll diameter of 80mm, as opposed to the usual order of 60mm. Sadly our disposable tissue stockists are out of stock for the forseeable future and thus we will have to make do with these ill fitting replacements for the time being.
They can still, with minimal extra effort, be slotted into their dispensers with relative ease, so I ask if the people who actually do replace these towels on a regular basis could both ensure they are not overly fazed by this increase in size.
The good news is we get slightly more towel for our money, so please use this extra length wisely.
Regards,
Sprengiko

P.S. If anyone does requirte a tutorial into the correct replacement method
please contact me and I will endeavour to run through the details at a mutually
convenient time.

New Fridge

From time to time in my job of high importance I have to send emails of abuse to full grown adults...

Dear all,
I am pleased to announce that the new fridge has been delivered and is now up and running and waiting to cool your food. Please make every effort to ensure that the fridge is well looked after, as maintenance checks will be made on a regular basis, and unclaimed food may be thrown out. If you clearly label your own food in an appropriate
manner (perhaps using your name) you will be consulted before food is removed. Treat this fridge as your friend and it will reward you, treat it as a slave and it will revolt.
Thank you,
Sprengiko.

The Howler

Simon Howell: Company Secretary.

I look up to many people (being only 5' 2" - the same height as Charles Manson - this isn't surprising) but few have influenced my modern life more than the Howler. Though his Conservative demeanour makes Adolf Eichmann look like a liberal, there can be no better source of advice, encouragement or good old fashioned 'chappism'.

Howler, we (me) salute you.